I resolve....

-to continue not purging (it's been 832 days. Oh, yeah, I rock)
-actually learn and perfect the Esmeralda variation
-finish the Sick Rose

and... I need something silly... because that'll probably be the only one I'll keep, Lol.

wait. Not something silly. To meet my girlfriend. Face to face. Yes. That's my last resolution for 2011.

Love,

Alice

Letting go...

I had a secret that started when I was barely 13. It was one that destroyed my entire life. Up until a few hours ago, I never told anyone. Not a single person heard the pure truth from my lips. I kept it inside and refused to think about it. I tried to hide it from myself, I wanted to forget it. But I found you can't keep something a secret to yourself. I did from everyone else though. Not one single person. I destroyed any records of it that I had, so it's not written or drawn anywhere, not recorded anywhere. It existed only in me.

That doesn't mean it hasn't hurt me every single day of my life.

Today, I let it go. And my secret isn't a secret anymore. I thank the gods that I have Natalie in my life.

one of the many reasons I love her

(man, that was confusing to change names around, L is her, GS is me)
L: God that felt SOOOO good to light those on fire
L: ":P
gisellesylphide: pyro :P
L: maybe
L:: =) I love you
gisellesylphide: I love you too
gisellesylphide: Only more ;)
L: pffft
gisellesylphide: I do :P
L: Fine!!
L: :P I lose
gisellesylphide: *blinks*
L: I smell muffins:
L:P What's wrong?
gisellesylphide: you gave up
gisellesylphide: has that ever happened?
gisellesylphide: Immediate giving up-ness?
L: lol
gisellesylphide: I need to go write this down somwhere
L: xD I just feel like making you happy by winning :P
gisellesylphide: Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww
gisellesylphide: *kisses* I love you =)
L:: :P the "w" key feels abused
gisellesylphide: it can get over it

CHRISTMAS

I will now brag about my Christmas presents:

-a camera
-a nook (I know, right?)
-$50 worth of itunes money (and some music from Hana Pestle that I just bought with that money)
-a Miranda Lambert CD
-Glee's Christmas album
-SOCKS!!!!!!!!!!
-A chia pet =)
-a beautiful necklace from Lissy (it's a really good thing I was sitting when I opened it
-a smokey eye kit
-fast flats, no more wearing heels until I have blisters
-target giftcard
-pretty sure I got more but I can't remember 'cause my pain meds are kicking in

But what I really got for christmas was my dad's face when he opened the iphone 4 case I got him, and he realized that we got him an iphone 4 for Christmas. And when my mom jumped up and down and screamed after she opened the ring my dad gave her. And Jacob's flipping out when he opened his PSP. I'm anticipating my sister's reaction to her present, and my girlfriend's reaction to hers. I can't wait to see the smile on Ella's face when she opens up the present we got her. The best part of Christmas is how happy everyone is, and when I feel their hearts pounding from excitement, the enormous smile on their faces.

I love Christmas.

Love,

Alice

in which I'm forced to go to a party

Bleck. I intensely dislike parties. Too many people crowded together, too much noise, too many anxiety attacks provoked by said crowd and noise. But there's far too many times when I have to go to parties. Like yesterday, where there was a surprise party for a friend of the family's birthday. Spellbound was originally going to play, but they were having some inter-band drama, so they could not (which sucks because they're awesome). Instead, we had some band I couldn't even tell you the name of and they SUCKED. The singers (yes, plural, there were two. why? I don't know) couldn't carry a tune in the bucket. It was irritating when they first started to play because I couldn't hear a word they were singing but when I did manage to hear them singing I wished very much that the rest of the band would drown them out.

The party wasn't terrible overall, I had Lakshmi there to hang out with, 'cause we have to catch up on a semester's worth of stuff.

Today I have to work with Nicole on choreographing a five minute solo for her to perform tomorrow. It's going to rock *beats head against wall*

Love,

Alice

...in more recent news

Finals fail at life. They're evil, and they exist only to make students' brains explode. Thank you, that is all.

Love,

Alice

*insert interesting title here*

Fine, Lissy, my blog is neglected. :P

Just realized that talking to my girlfriend has calmed me down much more than my anxiety medicine ever has. Which is.... wow. I guess that's just how amazing she is.

Love,

Alice

reflections...

I don't know why I remembered this today... but I was crying and I looked in the mirror and I remembered something she said. Rhiannon. I'm not going to protect you here, you can pay for your crimes, I'm not in the mood to play nice and hide who you are. It's enough that I have to hide me. But I remember once she told me, when I was crying, that I looked pretty when I cried. It's... it was strange then and it's still strange. A rather sick thing to say, I think, but... I thought so then too. Here I am crying, and letting her see me cry, and she tells me I look pretty when I cry.

A rather sick and twisted thing to say... but she wasn't. I can't say if she is or not anymore, I haven't spoken a single word to her in over two years. I've heard she's cheated, fooled around, didn't even apply to any colleges, and many other things by word of mouth, so maybe she is. I don't know, maybe I never knew her at all.

Reflecting is lovely, loves, once in a while... but don't stare into that pool too long before you lose yourself in who you used to be.

Love,

Alice

in which I sit at starbucks

So I just pretty much finished up my research paper. Just have to fix up all my fancy citations and add some statistics. I feel like I can breathe now, woo!! Now just to go back to school, do all my research and present on if Don't Ask, Don't Tell is unconstitutional due to the privacy act (hehe, it tried to change unconstitutional into institutionalism. it was kind of funny) and then research on sex ed in public education and present on that too, and then four finals. Woohoo! pleasegodkillmenow

I have had a wonderful break, getting to talk to my girlfriend for hours everyday, it's been pretty awesome. It made me realize again and again and again how lucky I am to have a wonderful, beautiful person in my life. She is bound and determined to change my mind and convince me that I'm pretty, it made me bawl my eyes out last night. I love her so much.

Now I am home. And I have no excuse to not finish up my paper. I will before I go to sleep. maybe. Eventually.

love,

Alice

in which I have nothing to refer to in this title

Listening to "Before The Dawn" makes me smile. I love her, so much. More than I've ever loved anyone or anything before. I smile all the time now. I love her. =)

in which I am BORED OF OUT MY MIND

So, the only major thing on my agenda is my big ginormous research project, but it's not due for another two weeks... I need to go do laundry now, soon, eventually.... But I have no motivation. At all. I'm bored out of my mind. I did just draw an entire tree on my forearm. It's awesome. But now I'm bored again. And I miss my girlfriend. =(

I drew the 'e' from Evanescence but it's slightly lopsided. Okay, it's totally lopsided. I really need to go do my laundry. But I do not want to. >.< Must go do laundry.... bleck. I don't want to.

Yeah, if you're still reading this you must be as bored as I am. So so so bored. The laundry room is thirteen floors away... and I'm tired. But I need to. Because my sheets are no longer on my bed. So I need to. But I don't want to. Someone motivate me?

a very bored,

Alice

Pulled muscles and far too much work

So I totally pulled a muscle in my hip. And it hurts. I blame Hilo for being a jerkface and not letting me clean his hooves. He gets really impatient at about his third hoof. Then it's nearly impossibly to get his fourth. Rocky, however, hates getting his hooves clean but will stick his foot up immediately when you reach down for it. I think his thought process is, the faster she can get my hoof, the faster she can start, and the faster I can get back to my life. Anyway. Whether Hilo is to blame or not, I still pulled a muscle and it sucks.

BUT I GOT TRAINED AS A LEADER TODAY!!!!!!!!!!!! Do you know what that means? I can now lead the horses the riders are on. =) I'm now a handler, side-walker, and leader!!! I'm awesome.

tomorrow I need to start working on the shitload of work I have piled up in front of me. The thought of it makes me want to curl up in a ball and cry. Weekends are meaningless now! *sobs* Damn, you college, you steal my life away!! Thanksgiving break is rapidly approaching though. YAY!

Love,

Alice

in which I dance around to Taylor Swift in my socks.

I keep sliding along the floor.Lol. It's pretty fun. Just got back from seeing the dance maker's concert. It was.... something else. I think I liked it. It was certainly entertaining, at one point they were all but having sex on stage. They got down to bras and underwear only. Not entirely sure what that could be about except hating someone and having sex with them. A tad bit odd.

The sky disappointed me today, it looked like it was going to rain this morning, and then it got sunny and hot so everyone had to go change into short sleeves and after the concert it looked like it was going to pour but didn't. I wish it had rained after the concert. I was in a good enough mood to dance around in the rain. But it didn't rain, so now I'm dancing around my room (my roommate already left for the weekend, not that it would surprise her).

And I want to take this time to say that I really, really love my girlfriend. =)

in which I am at the whims of my computer charger

I am not even kidding. My charger is broken or something so I have to angle it all weird to keep it charging. It's taken over my life "and so then the statistics are bia-- shit my charger!" "yeah, did you watch glee tonight... is that light on still?" "I lo-- dammit!" Yeah. So not pretty.

In other news I need to wrap up soon.... my anxiety medicine is not working, I have two tests, a paper, and a presentation due next week, and an outline due on thursday, and a 15 page research paper the week after next. And THEN finally, thanksgiving. It cannot come quickly enough. Shit, and an AHS meeting tomorrow... at the wrong time too. Weirdo people scheduling things at weird times. I don't want to wander around campus at night, it's big and dark and empty and dark, and creepy, and dark. Did I say dark? It'll be very dark. And... I'm far to paranoid for that. God, I need sleep. argh! Charger!

Love (a slightly deranged),

Alice

Not your normal girl

I don't know if my parents have realized yet that I'm not a normal girl. I don't eat because I have an eating disorder, not because I don't like your cooking or I'm trying to disrespect you. I think you'd know that because I've been anorexic for FOUR FUCKING YEARS. I'm in recovery but there I times I can't do it, it's hard enough to eat with foods I love let alone foods that make me throw up when I eat them. Yes, when you scream at me I cut because it's the only thing that makes it stop hurting, because when you're screaming they're screaming too, remember, it's called schizoaffective disorder. I don't go to parties because I have extreme social anxiety, not because I'm just antisocial and trying to isolate. And no, I don't have a boyfriend.

I'm not a normal girl and until you realize that we're not going to have a good relationship.

In more positive news I went in to volunteer today and it was awesome. Except for being fucking cold. HiLo (well, it's HiHo but I said it wrong, so now he's stuck with it) is a sweetie, he's retired because he has cancer though. =( We gave him some TLC today, brushed out his coat and mane till it shined, cleaned out his hooves, gave him a few laps around the big paddock and just gave him lots of love. When we got him out of the pasture a black gelding stuck his head through the gate and tried to eat another girls hair, shoes, and hoodie. Then Luke thought he was a dog and followed me everywhere I went. HiLo kept running away from the harness, it was so funny. And then I sidewalked for Olivia and found out that the "mare meadow" is all the way on the other side of the ranch and she wanted bad to stop and eat all the grass she saw. I love volunteering. =)

Love,

Alice

Speaking of karma

You did what you did
I know what you did
And you know what you did
Who's it haunting?
Who's being eaten alive at night?
Who pulls into the drive
and waits there for something to change
For the strength to say, I'm sorry
I love you
I never should have left you
Please take me back
What's it like?
What's it like to know you lost out?
That you lost?
You'll never come home to her smile again
You'll never hear her laugh
You'll never hold her again
You lost her love
You never deserved it anyway
So you can be eaten alive at night
And pull into the drive
And stare as long as you'd like
I'll be inside holding her
Making her laugh
Marveling at her beautiful smile
You lost out
But I didn't.

Karma's a bitch, isn't she, baby?

I don't know whether to laugh or cry. I want to say 'I told you so' I want to SO bad, but I'll hold my tongue.

He "just doesn't love her anymore" and tells her he's been fighting with it for a while and pretty much has been stringing her along for months, and now he's with a new girl and she hates her but wants him to be happy, what's a girl to do?

Hmm.... maybe I could be more sympathetic if she didn't put me through the EXACT same thing. Only instead of months, lets try two fucking years. Oh, and them dating when she and I were still together. Well, in her mind we weren't (in her imaginary world where she had the guts to actually break up with me) but, in fact, we were. Do you know what that's called, class? That's right: cheating.

Here's your karma, baby, have fun with it.

love,

Alice

Dear You

Dear Stalker,

You had better not be reading this. You'd better have stopped a long time ago. Because it's been a long fucking time to be hanging on to nothing but your own obsession. We had one date. ONE. And then you went and texted and emailed and called and messaged me every second of every day. When I said to leave me alone you did not. When I threatened to get a restraining order you didn't stop. When I cried and said you were scaring me, please stop, when I begged you to stop you did not. I did, I cried. I was honestly, truly terrified. I blocked you on everything, on my phone as well, my friends locked you out as well, I spent an entire semester walking the long way around everything just so I wouldn't run into you. But you found ways to run into me. When you finally stopped, and I felt safe again, you came back. You started the same bullshit all over again. I just start to lower my walls and let someone else in and you come back and terrify me again. But you're gone again and you had better not come back. Because that restraining order will become a reality, in fact, I will fight to get you behind bars for as long as possible. Also, besides your jail time there, you would also need to deal with my girlfriend. You do not want to do that. So, here's some news for you, don't come back again, because hell awaits you if you do.

Sincerely,

The Girl You Need To Forget About Already

HALLOWEEEEEEEEEEEEN

Happy Halloween, guys!!! Best holiday of the year so far. I love love LOVE Halloween. One, because I get to dress up in costume, two, I get free candy, three it's also Samhain, one of the best sabbats ever, you may know it as the Wiccan new year. YAY! Pictures may come up from tonight. I LOVE HALLOWEEN!!!!

Flashback!!!

I was about to write a long entry about jumping in, but then I pulled out of the archives these two takes I wrote a little under a year ago.

Take One: The water below me swells and crashes into the rocks before receding. It must be at least a hundred feet from where I stand on the cliff to the liquid swirling beneath me. The distance is intimidating. Breathing in deeply, I walk to the end of the cliff, and jump.

Take Two: The water below me swells and crashes in a wave of white foam against the rocks before receding suddenly. It must be at least one hundred feet from where I stood at the top of the cliff to the liquid swirling beneath me. The distance is intimidating. I must go past the edge though. I must push myself to jump in, and start anew. Breathing in deeply I walk to the edge of the cliff. There is no time for hesitation. I squeeze my eyes shut, hold my breath, and take the plunge.

At the time I much preferred take two but now I see that take one was more like the situation about two months ago. And two months ago I said "fuck you, fear" and told the truth and jumped. And I've never been happier. =)

For those of you have been watching the space below... well. Look!

Love,

Alice

have you been watching this space?

No? Well then, shame on you. Because this post is dedicated to... my sister!

Okay, so we're not biological sisters. We were supposed to be. Something got screwed up along the way. But she's my sister and I love her. =) Her name is Aerial (follow her on twitter! @ObsidianJM) and she's only a year older than me, and apparently in that one year she learned a billion things about life, the universe, and everything because she's so freaking smart and wise and mature when she wants to be.

But most of the time she's crazy and silly and we can talk for hours about things that you would think were very stupid, like if Emma and Will should get together on Glee (I'm leaning towards no, but she thinks they should). And she can relate pretty much every person on the face of the earth to Johnny Depp. It's skill. For seriously.

She's one of the most compassionate, loving people I've ever met, she doesn't discriminate, she's loyal, and straightforward and serious when she needs to be, and she's my best friend, and my big sister.

I LOVE YOU AERIAL!!!!

Alas, I feel I have failed her....

My book character, that is. One that shares a fake name with me. Or, no... Alice is my fake name, but it's her real name. And I have just realized that she will never fit into being a full-length novel. She's destined for life as a novella. Or, for those of you who are like "wtf is that?" an epically long short-story that's cool enough to be a book but totally not long enough. The story isn't meant to be fleshed out that much. If I added much more to it, do you know what it would be?

90% fluff, 10% plot... No one wants that. So, my dear character, you're stuck as you are. Oh, well.

Love,

Alice (the person, not the character)

Are we done yet?

Dear Bronchitis,

Please fuck off. I missed classes today. I'm supposed to be at school right now, but I couldn't go up to campus because I had to go see the doctor. Now I get to waste my tuesday morning heading back up there. Speaking of a waste of time, I haven't been able to study because I'm too busy hacking out a lung. I haven't done anything productive since Saturday. And if I am not better tomorrow I will need to miss Project REV's concert tomorrow, and I'm actually looking forward to that. And I have to feel well enough to leave for Arkansas for Sammy's wedding. So do me a favor and fuck off. 

Sincerely,

Alice

Or I could just be sick

Which I think is the actual case. I can't stop coughing. Nor can I breathe. My ears hurt and my chest burns. The only thing that feels okay is my throat. And thank god for that.

New poem up on http://www.gisellesylphide.webs.com

Love,

Alice

Maybe I'm allergic to volunteering

So I went and volunteered at the horse ranch today, well, it's a center for equine therapy... but in my mind it's still a horse ranch. I was up and seven and made it there at 8:30 to prep for the 9:15 class. It was fucking freezing, everyone was huddled in jackets before jobs got assigned. I ended up grooming the lovely Miss Patty, who wasn't so lovely today... she was grouchy and nippish. And doing her best to mush me into the fence. Though I do believe she was satisfied with how frikkin' gorgeous her coat was before she went in to work and it got coated in dust again.

Then I was sidewalking for Kyle (with the adult Kyle leading, and another girl on his left) who seemed to be having the time of his life until he did the challenge course, where he got tired and no longer cared about riding. Surprisingly though, that was when he did his best riding, he held the reins and keep his hand on the saddle horn with no prompting! And he stopped Gypsy on his own! I was SO proud of him! And bless Gypsy... she has never ending patience. Even when it was obvious that she just wanted to take a nap she kept going along, no complaint, not fidgeting at all. She kept nice and calm and consistent the entire class. I'm telling you, in equine therapy the real hero, the real therapist, is the horse.

Remember how I said up there that it was fucking freezing that morning? It got hot. We were all sweating buckets and kicking ourselves for wearing warm clothes. It was miserable outside. And so windy. The wind was the worst thing, mostly because it's all dirt out there, everything produces a dust cloud if you so much as step on it. I'm pretty miserable right now with a sore throat, stuffy nose, head ache, hurting ears. I hate dirt.

Still, when all is said and done it was definitely worth it to go out there and help out. It was wonderful, and rewarding.

Love,

Alice

Sometimes...

There are things we wish we could say... but cannot. We like to say that we don't say those things because we don't want to insult, or offend... but I think that is mostly a lie. Fear keeps mouths closed. Like I fear telling her that I never did hate him... I never wanted this to happen... but that I thought it might. I wanted them to be happy, no, not them, her. I wanted her to be happy. I could never begrudge her that happiness, even when it killed mine... even when she picked him. Even when she strung me along for so long... when I was so stupid and didn't see that until the end, when she finally admitted that we were over. I still wanted her to be happy.

She didn't want to, she didn't mean to, she's not that kind of girl. But it happened. And I have no happiness that it happened to her. That he would do much the same. No one deserves that. My heart is breaking for her. And I'm afraid if I say that she'll get the wrong idea. Because it would be the wrong idea. I'm happier than I have ever been with Lissy, she puts a smile on my face even on the worst of days (and on the best I'm always grinning like a fool), she's the arms that pull me up when I fall, and she's the one who isn't afraid to laugh when I report that I managed to fall up the stairs again.

And I'm afraid to say anything... because the chorus of one song is still ringing in my ears and I do not want to repeat it to her.

Chorus of Carrie Underwood's "I Told You So"

I told you so

Oh, I told you so.

I told you some day you'd come crawlin' back

And asking me to take you in

I told you so

But you had to go

Now I've fond somebody new

And you will never break my heart in two again.

Love,

Alice

PS. Keep an eye on my poetry site, a new one's going up soon under All Jumbled Together.

Hello, Fall

It's one o'clock currently and I actually need to wear a sweater. Do you know what that means? Well, it means that it is finally fall here in the lone star state. Time to officially retire all sun dresses, short skirts, and shorts and break out the jeans, jackets, and long-sleeved shirts. The leaves are just starting to change colors, but this is Texas and they'll probably only get slightly yellow at best. But some of the leaves are actually falling, which means looking like a lunatic stepping on the crunchiest leaves. Of course, there were a bunch of crunchy leaves last month, but that was only because a maple tree got overly excited and all its leaves fell off within a few days. It is currently the only bare tree.

And now there's a squirrel... barking at me? Growling? I don't have a clue what to call that, but he sounds mad. Chill out, Tommy, I'm twenty feet away from you and you're also in a tree. It's okay, man. Nooo, be quiet! There's a big giant hawk, hide! Don't get eaten!! Okay, hawk is gone. Tommy is safe.

Um, anyway. Happy fall everyone!

Love,

Alice

Easy A rocks, B&N's organization skills? Not so much.

I will start off by saying Easy A is fucking amazing, and funny, and also makes you want to cry, and very much makes you not want to lie about losing your virginity. Don't do it guys. Well, if you're in a small town high school. Outside of that nobody gives a damn. But still, you could end up being the girl everyone walks by and thinks 'slut.' Though.... I think pretty much every girl has been called a slut at some point. Why? I do not know.
But I digress: watch Easy A, it rocks.

After seeing Easy A, Nicole and I ventured into Barnes and Nobles in search of books/music/magazines/movies. We found... pretty much nothing anyone was interested in. The entire place was so disorganized, and it seems like a rabid Twilight-fangirl went through and stuck the soundtrack to eclipse in every single section in the entire store. But, Nicole ended up finding a James Blunt CD and I bought it for her for a belated birthday present.

This could have been a very long blog, but really, I just miss my girlfriend and also want to go to sleep. Not sure how I'm going to solve both of those problems at once unless someone's figured out some instant-transportation button. So I might just go to sleep.

Love,

Alice

...well.... it wouldn't open....

If I was uncertain before....

then I definitely know now that people terrify me. Like, I need to go see Beth to pick up the outline for my paper, but I could not force myself to go into the honors office. I did touch the door though, before turning away, which is considerable progress. I might also have used up all of my bravery today having to ask a woman if she would pop her collar and let us take a picture for our scavenger hunt. Which, by the way, my team won. Five extra credit points, yay!

And my group really liked the theme I created for the powerpoint. Which they should. 'Cause it's awesome. And I worked on it for like three hours. Hmm, I wonder if I can put a picture of this up...

And... that's about all I've got.

Love,

Alice

PS. The image is just the background of the slide. There's more formatting that went into creating the full theme, but the background is a good start.

Boring, boring, boring

-Schedule training session with riding unlimited
-Read Ch 5 for speech
-and chapter 18
-print out chapters notes for speech and study for them
-read chapters 3, 5, and 6 for government
-do study guide
-study Ch 5 for Beth's class
-Watch Made of Honor again for Speech
-research music therapy
-make appointment with music therapy department
-Work on individual research project
     -disorganized attachment (wtf are all the books on this checked out?)
     -child abuse
     -dissociative identity disorder
-set up power point
-figure out if we had homework for Beth's class
-stare down blackboard until my grades for Beth's class shows up
-try to get appointment with advisor moved up
-make an appointment with Dr. Litton
-tell Nicole about the fact that maybe I've been dating someone for a month...
-get hair cut
-create "get sent to deserted island" button for people who fail at life
-finish this to-do list and sign name at bottom

...in which I might end up pressing harassment charges

As if her message wasn't enough, after I tell her to not contact me again, she texts me to apologize that she bothered me again. That was when I flipped out. WTF? Why the hell does she have my number? We stopped talking TWO YEARS AGO. Over two years ago. Her number was out of my phone the day after she ditched me for being anorexic, did deleting mine never cross her mind? If she had gotten a new phone, she'd have to manually add it back in. Why the hell does she still have my number? I was pissed off. God fucking dammit, leave me alone! When I finally got a hold of myself today, I very clearly said "Do not contact me again." And she texts back to say "okay." I SAID DON'T CONTACT ME AND THAT INCLUDES TEXTING ME BACK TO APOLOGIZE!!!!!!! If I was kind of considering pressing harassment charges yesterday, I'm seriously considering them today. Because this isn't going to be the end of this. I know her. I thought she had grown up by now, but she obviously has not.

I have one stalker already, thanks universe, I don't need two. Let this not come to that.

But, moving on, my PD psychology class was canceled today, I... might have my loans straightened out, I got an A on my developmental psychology exam, and the AHS meeting wasn't boring. Although it ended with Beth talking about self-defense and being very aware of potentially dangerous situations... once more bringing us all to the conclusion that we should just never leave our rooms again. But it hit Rachel hard. =( She definitely needs to stay away from the project REV workshop.

The thing to be learned today is where you can file the harassment charges against someone. Or if law permits you only a restraining order.

Love,

Alice

In which I resist being a bitch

I really did. I resisted being a bitch. No lie. I did not cuss Sydney (see: speaking of things that won't go away) out like I wanted to. And, god, did I want to. I wanted to say "bitch stay the fuck out of my life. You already screwed it up enough." Nor did I add the not bitchy, but appropriate,  "You were the thing that made me realize that there are abusive friendships, and now I'm calling you out on it. You are an abuser, you are not the victim here, and you never have been. And now... realizing this, I truly do not love you anymore. My promises are void; you do not deserve them."

Instead, I kept this short and simple "I would prefer if you don't contact me again" and then blocked her. And rhiannon for good measure.

But my head I added "I reject YOU, put that in your pipe and smoke it, bitch!" I think maybe I should have added that part.

Love (a secretly bitchy),

Alice

PS. This isn't supposed to be sad. It's empowering to me, and it's also fun for me to admit the bitchy things I'm dying to say aloud.  So laugh! 'Cause you're supposed to.

Some mushiness and demonic psychology professors

Let's start with the mushiness. All these songs are currently on my "<3" playlist. Suggestions for more songs would be really awesome.

Your Eyes- RENT
Mary Jane- Alanis Morissette
Think Of Me- Phantom of the Opera
All I Ask Of You- PotO
Catch Me When I Fall- Ashlee Simpson
Hip to My Heart- The Band Perry
Mama's Song- Carrie Underwood
Everytime We Touch- Cascada
Bubbly- Colbie Caillat
Bring Me To Life (ABH and Fallen)- Evanescence
Before the Dawn- Ev
October- Ev
Good Enough- Ev
Anywhere- Ev
What I Wouldn't Do- A Fine Frenzy
You Picked Me- AFF
Think Of You- AFF
Near To You- AFF
My Funny Valentine- Frank Sinatra
Halo/Walking on Sunshine- Glee cast
My Life Would Suck Without You- Glee cast
Collide- Howie Day
Faithfully- Journey
Any Way You Want It- Journey
It's Only Life- Kate Voegele
My Life Would Suck Without You- Kelly Carkson
Taylor, the Latte Boy- Kristin Chenoweth
If You Want My Love- Laura Bell Bundy
I Just Call You Mine- Martina McBride
Love Song- Sara Bareilles
Many the Miles- Sara Bareilles
Vegas- SB
Bottle It Up- SB
One Sweet Love- SB
Morningside- SB
Between the Lines- SB
City- SB
Love on the Rocks- SB
Light My Candle- RENT
You Belong With Me- Taylor Swift
Hey Stephen- Taylor Swift
Fearless- Taylor Swift
Love Story- TS
Tim McGraw- TS
Mary's Song (Oh My My My)- TS
Our Song- TS
Stay Beautiful- TS
I'm Only Me When I'm With You- TS
You Really Got Me- Van Halen
Can't Stop Lovin' You- Van Halen
Can You Feel the Love Tonight- The Lion King

 Mkay... Done with that. So, psychology professor.... asshole. Yes, that means you Dr. Foster, you are indeed an asshole. He was just starting to pass out the tests and said that he was being nice, the test was only 170 questions. Immediately we all started to have heart attacks. Like, wtf, who has almost two hundred questions on their test? But, no, he was like "did I say 170? I meant 70. Just seeing if you were awake." So NOT funny. I think several people were thinking that if the tests had at least 170 questions they were going to have to drop the class. I was one of those people, by the way.

It was not funny, dammit!

Love,

Alice

Squirrels and conquering the library

I'm decently sure that all of the professors in the school have giant meetings in which they try to put all projects, presentations, papers, and tests in the same two weeks, and if they can do it, have them all due on the same day. I have two quizzes and an outline for a paper due tomorrow, a test on thursday, and I've also got a bunch of group projects and an individual research project to work on. Why, why, why would I ever chose to research the relationship between disorganized attachment and dissociative identity disorder? Am I an idiot? That's HARD.

But, I conquered the library's computer and printer system today. See, there are only about... fifteen or twenty computers in the library that you can use to print things. Well, if you're lucky and they haven't designated a whole row to be "for guest use only." They do that far too often. Anyway. You'll probably always end up computer-less and wondering what the hell to do, 'cause there's no fucking way you're walking back across campus to the Guinn-Stark computer lab (or figuring out how to get into that lab...). Well, you stake out a spot. Take a chair near the computers, take out some notes to look like you have some dignity left, and watch. Very carefully. If someone gets up to go to the printer control box it's very likely they're going to go back to the computer just to grab their stuff, and then leave. So watch for that, and be prepared to run walk quickly and calmly to the newly free computer. Ta da!

Moving on. I was studying outside in the gardens (I spend my time in the library or outside studying, I'm exciting, right?) when I saw a squirrel considering if he should go across the path or not, the squirrels on campus spend half their time doing that, by the way, I decided to be very still so he could go across and not be afraid. Well, he was so not afraid he spent twenty minutes trying to decide if he should climb up my bag or not. At one point he looked like he was going to try and jump on top of my head. It was really amazing.

Love,

Alice

PS. New, actually fantastic poem up on my website! (http://www.gisellesylphide.webs.com)

Giving thanks to some unexpected help

Mkay, so pretty  much everyone on this site listens to Evanescence or We Are The Fallen, or both. A lot of both..s. So we all remember Ben's message to everyone, correct? If not, google it. You'll find it, and you should read it.

Well, there was really good timing with that and what happened yesterday. Which is a coincidence, obviously. Ben is not aware of a lot of people's existence, mine included, and I really doubt Sydney has ever read that. She's a hardcore Ev hater, which puts her against anything anyone in/used to be in the band has done. Because obviously they're all one trick ponies (yes, I am beating my head against the desk). Anyway. For some reason, that message really helped me process her reappearance, even though they have absolutely nothing similar. But it did. I managed to think calmly about the situation, partly to do with the people I love, and partly do to with that message. So, I offer thanks to one Ben Moody.

love,

Alice

PS: Totally wrote about it. Head over to www.gisellesylphide.webs.com to check it out. It's under... rather depressing. You should totally look around though, but I warn you that under the 'him' section some of those are so crappy they make me want to throw up, so it's okay if you hate them. I do too.

PPS: yup, you're probably not going to see how that's related to a hell of a lot of stuff

...speaking of things that won't go away

I thought I was done, but I guess I'm not. I'm reeling right now, I probably will be for a while. And it does hurt me. It still hurts. I didn't realize it until today but it hurts so fucking bad. I want to un-realize it. I want her to go away again.

If not for Lissy and Aerial this moment could have gone much much worse. And I really don't care if you think I'm overreacting, because as I pointed out on the 11th I'm the only one who says what's important and what's not. I say this is a big deal. Because it is. You figure out the point of this bullshit, because I really don't know the point. anditskillingme

Love,

Alice

Get it together, heart

Why why WHY does it still hurt when she talks about him? We've been over for ages. She spent two years stringing me along, treating me like shit. So why do I care? Why does this still hurt? And I can't even hate her, because she's not a bad person. She's emotionally clueless, and her clueless-ness seriously hurts people... People that had faith in her, and believed her when she said she loved them... People like me. But she's not doing it on purpose, and certainly not maliciously, so I can't hate her.

I shouldn't even care, this shouldn't still hurt. I am in a relationship with a wonderful girl, a relationship I'm very happy in. I couldn't leave Lissy even if I tried... and I can't imagine ever wanting to. I love her. So why does it still hurt when she talks about him?

This is ridiculous. Get it together, heart.
~Alice

You can't always.....

1. Get what you want, obviously
2. Get out of prison in less than a week, sorry, Lindsay, sucks to be you
3. Avoid sunburn
4. Successfully trick people into buying your bullshit story of your house being haunted
5. Win the lottery
6. Make A's on every exam
7. Form an internationally acclaimed band with some weird black light brown haired chick you met at camp
OR
Form an internationally acclaimed band with some weirdo who heard  you singing/playing the piano at camp
8. Write a decent full-length novel in a month (google national novel writing month)
9. Miss the ground when you aim at it
10. Come up with a top ten list of reasons you love your significant other..... So then you need make a top 25 list!

1. She's simply amazing
2. She's doesn't get annoyed when my thoughts fly to random topics
3. She admits that I'm tied with her kitten for living thing she loves most (and that kitty is so frikkin' cute...)
4. She's a dork, and it's adorable
5. She's all around gorgeous
6. She's one of the few people I know secure enough to not coat their face in make-up each morning
7. She makes promises she keeps
8. She watches cartoons!
9. I can't stop smiling when I'm talking to her
10. Or thinking about her (so... pretty much all the time)
11. If I'm upset she's always there to talk to
12. She doesn't judge people
13. And she's willing to give second chances
14. She shares ice cream with her cat
15. And apparently doesn't find it anywhere near as amusing as I do when said cat sticks her face in the bowl
16. She loves animals more than quite a few people
17. She knows she shouldn't ask me what could possibly go wrong.... because there's always something that can go wrong I'm willing to point out
18. She's fiercely loyal to the people she loves
19. If someone goes to hurt someone she cares about....well... feel bad for that person.
20. She converted! ....to being a gleek
21. She's brave enough to be in recovery
22. She's the number one reason to keep living
23. She's the one person that could ever make me feel grateful for sucking at suicide
24. She's beautiful, so beautiful, on the inside and the outside. Though she's yet to figure that out.
25. She's making it really hard to make a top 25 list... because I could go on and on, but I'll end on the fact that somehow her brain malfunctioned and she picked me to be the one she loves.

Love,

Alice

Some petty drama and some not-so-petty memories

Today, my focus has just been on rushing. My serious thoughts were turned towards wondering how many invitations I was offered, how I came off to the members of the sororities... Which, I was only invited back to one, and hopefully I get invited back again tomorrow... the wait is until nine this time... I also realized that two sororities probably didn't want me back because of the scars on my arms. Lame. I'm still very concerned with that... also lame. But I realize, as all of you should, that the only person who has the right to decide what is petty or important in your life is you. I feel this is important, and so it is.

Today, what I do not wish to focus on is September 11, 2001. Not because of the terrorist attacks, though I remember that well. Fourth grade, Mrs. Lawson's class, Bill J. Elliot Elementary School. There wasn't an announcement for the whole school to hear, it was calls to each teacher. And then they turned on the news. Is there anyone who doesn't remember the continuous clip of the first plane hitting the first tower? Over and over and over, the fiery explosion... the plan hits the building... and the smoke and flames burst out.... again and again... Over and over. And then the second tower. And the pentagon. And the heroes that crashed in that Pennsylvania field.  Parents were checking their kids out of school early, by two in the afternoon Eddie and I were the only ones left.   We looked on the internet, where there was a picture of Osama Bin Laden. And I remember marveling at how any creature could be awful enough to plan this out, to kill all those people. And I was afraid that we would die that way... in a fiery explosion....  there were no planes in the sky... it was so blue and empty without cloud trails painted clearly through the clouds.... I hope to never see that sight again...

But that is not my bad memory of September 11th. My bad memory is my grandfather going into the hospital again... the second to last time I believe, or maybe it was the last. He died the following summer. He went into the hospital... that same one that he died at over the summer. Driving home from the hospital we got into a car accident... It hurt.

This is what I remember, this is the important thing that happened to me on September 11. This is the memory I've been clawing off the skin on my arm about while writing this. Not the towers, my grandpa. Maybe it is petty to you, but it is not to me. As I said... only we can decide what is important in our lives, and what is petty.

Love,

Alice

Of rabid squirrels and ax-murderers

Yay... so this is my first post on here! Um... how to start? Oh, yes, with the ax-murderer. An ax-murderer, you say? On campus? Yes, my friends, an ax-murderer.

Okay, so fine I have no proof he was an ax-murderer, but I'm pretty sure he was. He had the creepy messy beard and a unibrow and he was balding a little... glaring at everyone. So, I think, maybe I will smile at him, and he will smile back because that's what normal non-ax-murderers do, right? So I smile at him, and he glares even harder. And I edge slowly to the other side of the sidewalk... and he glares more... and I stop smiling... and he glares more. No, not glares, more like scowls, like... well, an ax-murderer.

I will definitely be double locking my door tonight. And maybe barricading it shut.

Oh, oh, I forgot about the rabid squirrel the other day! At first I thought it was just spazzing out, but then it was... just extreme. Unnaturally extreme. Hopping up and down in place and flipping and tearing up everything near it, and running around in circles. I swear to you, I saw white foam. So I did not stick around very long, I walked away very quickly. Rabies isn't exactly my cup of tea. I would suggest all of you walk away quickly from a rabid squirrel. But don't run, it will chase! Maybe. I don't know if it will chase you, but I don't think running is a good idea. It's a squirrel, it will catch you, and it will bite you, and you will get rabies.

Love,

Alice