Sunday, October 31, 2010

HALLOWEEEEEEEEEEEEN

Happy Halloween, guys!!! Best holiday of the year so far. I love love LOVE Halloween. One, because I get to dress up in costume, two, I get free candy, three it's also Samhain, one of the best sabbats ever, you may know it as the Wiccan new year. YAY! Pictures may come up from tonight. I LOVE HALLOWEEN!!!!

Friday, October 29, 2010

Flashback!!!

I was about to write a long entry about jumping in, but then I pulled out of the archives these two takes I wrote a little under a year ago.

Take One: The water below me swells and crashes into the rocks before receding. It must be at least a hundred feet from where I stand on the cliff to the liquid swirling beneath me. The distance is intimidating. Breathing in deeply, I walk to the end of the cliff, and jump.

Take Two: The water below me swells and crashes in a wave of white foam against the rocks before receding suddenly. It must be at least one hundred feet from where I stood at the top of the cliff to the liquid swirling beneath me. The distance is intimidating. I must go past the edge though. I must push myself to jump in, and start anew. Breathing in deeply I walk to the edge of the cliff. There is no time for hesitation. I squeeze my eyes shut, hold my breath, and take the plunge.

At the time I much preferred take two but now I see that take one was more like the situation about two months ago. And two months ago I said "fuck you, fear" and told the truth and jumped. And I've never been happier. =)

For those of you have been watching the space below... well. Look!

Love,
Alice

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

have you been watching this space?

No? Well then, shame on you. Because this post is dedicated to... my sister!

Okay, so we're not biological sisters. We were supposed to be. Something got screwed up along the way. But she's my sister and I love her. =) Her name is Aerial (follow her on twitter! @ObsidianJM) and she's only a year older than me, and apparently in that one year she learned a billion things about life, the universe, and everything because she's so freaking smart and wise and mature when she wants to be.

But most of the time she's crazy and silly and we can talk for hours about things that you would think were very stupid, like if Emma and Will should get together on Glee (I'm leaning towards no, but she thinks they should). And she can relate pretty much every person on the face of the earth to Johnny Depp. It's skill. For seriously.

She's one of the most compassionate, loving people I've ever met, she doesn't discriminate, she's loyal, and straightforward and serious when she needs to be, and she's my best friend, and my big sister.

I LOVE YOU AERIAL!!!!

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Alas, I feel I have failed her....

My book character, that is. One that shares a fake name with me. Or, no... Alice is my fake name, but it's her real name. And I have just realized that she will never fit into being a full-length novel. She's destined for life as a novella. Or, for those of you who are like "wtf is that?" an epically long short-story that's cool enough to be a book but totally not long enough. The story isn't meant to be fleshed out that much. If I added much more to it, do you know what it would be?

90% fluff, 10% plot... No one wants that. So, my dear character, you're stuck as you are. Oh, well.

Love,
Alice (the person, not the character)

Monday, October 18, 2010

Are we done yet?

Dear Bronchitis,

Please fuck off. I missed classes today. I'm supposed to be at school right now, but I couldn't go up to campus because I had to go see the doctor. Now I get to waste my tuesday morning heading back up there. Speaking of a waste of time, I haven't been able to study because I'm too busy hacking out a lung. I haven't done anything productive since Saturday. And if I am not better tomorrow I will need to miss Project REV's concert tomorrow, and I'm actually looking forward to that. And I have to feel well enough to leave for Arkansas for Sammy's wedding. So do me a favor and fuck off. 

Sincerely,
Alice

Sunday, October 17, 2010

Or I could just be sick

Which I think is the actual case. I can't stop coughing. Nor can I breathe. My ears hurt and my chest burns. The only thing that feels okay is my throat. And thank god for that.

New poem up on http://www.gisellesylphide.webs.com

Love,
Alice

Saturday, October 16, 2010

Maybe I'm allergic to volunteering

So I went and volunteered at the horse ranch today, well, it's a center for equine therapy... but in my mind it's still a horse ranch. I was up and seven and made it there at 8:30 to prep for the 9:15 class. It was fucking freezing, everyone was huddled in jackets before jobs got assigned. I ended up grooming the lovely Miss Patty, who wasn't so lovely today... she was grouchy and nippish. And doing her best to mush me into the fence. Though I do believe she was satisfied with how frikkin' gorgeous her coat was before she went in to work and it got coated in dust again.

Then I was sidewalking for Kyle (with the adult Kyle leading, and another girl on his left) who seemed to be having the time of his life until he did the challenge course, where he got tired and no longer cared about riding. Surprisingly though, that was when he did his best riding, he held the reins and keep his hand on the saddle horn with no prompting! And he stopped Gypsy on his own! I was SO proud of him! And bless Gypsy... she has never ending patience. Even when it was obvious that she just wanted to take a nap she kept going along, no complaint, not fidgeting at all. She kept nice and calm and consistent the entire class. I'm telling you, in equine therapy the real hero, the real therapist, is the horse.

Remember how I said up there that it was fucking freezing that morning? It got hot. We were all sweating buckets and kicking ourselves for wearing warm clothes. It was miserable outside. And so windy. The wind was the worst thing, mostly because it's all dirt out there, everything produces a dust cloud if you so much as step on it. I'm pretty miserable right now with a sore throat, stuffy nose, head ache, hurting ears. I hate dirt.

Still, when all is said and done it was definitely worth it to go out there and help out. It was wonderful, and rewarding.

Love,
Alice

Friday, October 15, 2010

Sometimes...

There are things we wish we could say... but cannot. We like to say that we don't say those things because we don't want to insult, or offend... but I think that is mostly a lie. Fear keeps mouths closed. Like I fear telling her that I never did hate him... I never wanted this to happen... but that I thought it might. I wanted them to be happy, no, not them, her. I wanted her to be happy. I could never begrudge her that happiness, even when it killed mine... even when she picked him. Even when she strung me along for so long... when I was so stupid and didn't see that until the end, when she finally admitted that we were over. I still wanted her to be happy.

She didn't want to, she didn't mean to, she's not that kind of girl. But it happened. And I have no happiness that it happened to her. That he would do much the same. No one deserves that. My heart is breaking for her. And I'm afraid if I say that she'll get the wrong idea. Because it would be the wrong idea. I'm happier than I have ever been with Lissy, she puts a smile on my face even on the worst of days (and on the best I'm always grinning like a fool), she's the arms that pull me up when I fall, and she's the one who isn't afraid to laugh when I report that I managed to fall up the stairs again.

And I'm afraid to say anything... because the chorus of one song is still ringing in my ears and I do not want to repeat it to her.

Chorus of Carrie Underwood's "I Told You So"
I told you so
Oh, I told you so.
I told you some day you'd come crawlin' back
And asking me to take you in
I told you so
But you had to go
Now I've fond somebody new
And you will never break my heart in two again.
Love,
Alice
PS. Keep an eye on my poetry site, a new one's going up soon under All Jumbled Together.

Thursday, October 14, 2010

Hello, Fall

It's one o'clock currently and I actually need to wear a sweater. Do you know what that means? Well, it means that it is finally fall here in the lone star state. Time to officially retire all sun dresses, short skirts, and shorts and break out the jeans, jackets, and long-sleeved shirts. The leaves are just starting to change colors, but this is Texas and they'll probably only get slightly yellow at best. But some of the leaves are actually falling, which means looking like a lunatic stepping on the crunchiest leaves. Of course, there were a bunch of crunchy leaves last month, but that was only because a maple tree got overly excited and all its leaves fell off within a few days. It is currently the only bare tree.

And now there's a squirrel... barking at me? Growling? I don't have a clue what to call that, but he sounds mad. Chill out, Tommy, I'm twenty feet away from you and you're also in a tree. It's okay, man. Nooo, be quiet! There's a big giant hawk, hide! Don't get eaten!! Okay, hawk is gone. Tommy is safe.

Um, anyway. Happy fall everyone!

Love,
Alice

Sunday, October 10, 2010

Easy A rocks, B&N's organization skills? Not so much.

I will start off by saying Easy A is fucking amazing, and funny, and also makes you want to cry, and very much makes you not want to lie about losing your virginity. Don't do it guys. Well, if you're in a small town high school. Outside of that nobody gives a damn. But still, you could end up being the girl everyone walks by and thinks 'slut.' Though.... I think pretty much every girl has been called a slut at some point. Why? I do not know.
But I digress: watch Easy A, it rocks.

After seeing Easy A, Nicole and I ventured into Barnes and Nobles in search of books/music/magazines/movies. We found... pretty much nothing anyone was interested in. The entire place was so disorganized, and it seems like a rabid Twilight-fangirl went through and stuck the soundtrack to eclipse in every single section in the entire store. But, Nicole ended up finding a James Blunt CD and I bought it for her for a belated birthday present.

This could have been a very long blog, but really, I just miss my girlfriend and also want to go to sleep. Not sure how I'm going to solve both of those problems at once unless someone's figured out some instant-transportation button. So I might just go to sleep.

Love,
Alice

Thursday, October 7, 2010

If I was uncertain before....

then I definitely know now that people terrify me. Like, I need to go see Beth to pick up the outline for my paper, but I could not force myself to go into the honors office. I did touch the door though, before turning away, which is considerable progress. I might also have used up all of my bravery today having to ask a woman if she would pop her collar and let us take a picture for our scavenger hunt. Which, by the way, my team won. Five extra credit points, yay!

And my group really liked the theme I created for the powerpoint. Which they should. 'Cause it's awesome. And I worked on it for like three hours. Hmm, I wonder if I can put a picture of this up...


And... that's about all I've got.

Love,
Alice
PS. The image is just the background of the slide. There's more formatting that went into creating the full theme, but the background is a good start.

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

Boring, boring, boring

-Schedule training session with riding unlimited
-Read Ch 5 for speech
-and chapter 18
-print out chapters notes for speech and study for them
-read chapters 3, 5, and 6 for government
-do study guide
-study Ch 5 for Beth's class
-Watch Made of Honor again for Speech
-research music therapy
-make appointment with music therapy department
-Work on individual research project
     -disorganized attachment (wtf are all the books on this checked out?)
     -child abuse
     -dissociative identity disorder
-set up power point
-figure out if we had homework for Beth's class
-stare down blackboard until my grades for Beth's class shows up
-try to get appointment with advisor moved up
-make an appointment with Dr. Litton
-tell Nicole about the fact that maybe I've been dating someone for a month...
-get hair cut
-create "get sent to deserted island" button for people who fail at life
-finish this to-do list and sign name at bottom

Monday, October 4, 2010

...in which I might end up pressing harassment charges

As if her message wasn't enough, after I tell her to not contact me again, she texts me to apologize that she bothered me again. That was when I flipped out. WTF? Why the hell does she have my number? We stopped talking TWO YEARS AGO. Over two years ago. Her number was out of my phone the day after she ditched me for being anorexic, did deleting mine never cross her mind? If she had gotten a new phone, she'd have to manually add it back in. Why the hell does she still have my number? I was pissed off. God fucking dammit, leave me alone! When I finally got a hold of myself today, I very clearly said "Do not contact me again." And she texts back to say "okay." I SAID DON'T CONTACT ME AND THAT INCLUDES TEXTING ME BACK TO APOLOGIZE!!!!!!! If I was kind of considering pressing harassment charges yesterday, I'm seriously considering them today. Because this isn't going to be the end of this. I know her. I thought she had grown up by now, but she obviously has not.

I have one stalker already, thanks universe, I don't need two. Let this not come to that.

But, moving on, my PD psychology class was canceled today, I... might have my loans straightened out, I got an A on my developmental psychology exam, and the AHS meeting wasn't boring. Although it ended with Beth talking about self-defense and being very aware of potentially dangerous situations... once more bringing us all to the conclusion that we should just never leave our rooms again. But it hit Rachel hard. =( She definitely needs to stay away from the project REV workshop.

The thing to be learned today is where you can file the harassment charges against someone. Or if law permits you only a restraining order.

Love,
Alice

Saturday, October 2, 2010

In which I resist being a bitch

I really did. I resisted being a bitch. No lie. I did not cuss Sydney (see: speaking of things that won't go away) out like I wanted to. And, god, did I want to. I wanted to say "bitch stay the fuck out of my life. You already screwed it up enough." Nor did I add the not bitchy, but appropriate,  "You were the thing that made me realize that there are abusive friendships, and now I'm calling you out on it. You are an abuser, you are not the victim here, and you never have been. And now... realizing this, I truly do not love you anymore. My promises are void; you do not deserve them."

Instead, I kept this short and simple "I would prefer if you don't contact me again" and then blocked her. And rhiannon for good measure.

But my head I added "I reject YOU, put that in your pipe and smoke it, bitch!" I think maybe I should have added that part.
Love (a secretly bitchy),
Alice
PS. This isn't supposed to be sad. It's empowering to me, and it's also fun for me to admit the bitchy things I'm dying to say aloud.  So laugh! 'Cause you're supposed to.