Saturday, July 23, 2011
Friday, July 22, 2011
Thursday, July 21, 2011
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
So you want to have an eating disorder.... (TRIGGER WARNING)
Okay, I keep seeing these stupid people post on websites wanting advice on how to be better at being anorexic and it's driving me freaking CRAZY. If they think anorexia nervosa is just a diet, something you can just quit, they're dead wrong.
Having an eating disorder is a nightmare. A nightmare that you're addicted to. A nightmare that you're in denial about. Let's start with how an eating disorder gets into your brain.
Most likely you'll be a teenage girl, already insecure about your body image, because you're a teenage girl, and really, aren't we all at least a little insecure? You'll be worrying about your body image, and someone will come along and say the wrong thing. Someone will call you fat. Someone will say something nasty about your weight. And bam, a seed of doubt is planted in the fertile ground of your insecurity. And in some, the seed never really grows, but in others, the seed begins to sprout. An eating disorder takes its roots inside you. Slowly your thoughts begin to change. You become more critical of yourself. You start working out a little more, start dieting. You look in the mirror and get frustrated because fat clings stubbornly to your body. You start obsessing over the best ways to reduce fat and lose weight. Somewhere you'll stumble along a suggestion to reduce caloric intake. Huh. What a brilliant idea. You cut out some calories in your diet. It's probably anywhere from 100-500 at first that you cut out. You exercise more. You become very conscious of the nutrition facts, and how many calories are in certain things. The numbers on the scale mean more and more and even as they go down that image in the mirror remains the same.
So it's started. You're not eating, the numbers keep getting lower and lower, but you seem to keep getting fatter and fatter. All you can think about is food, what meals you're going to skip, how many calories you've burned, how much more you can exercise. You can just feel the fat jiggle around on your body and it's disgusting. Wanna know how disgusting? Think of a rotting corpse, with maggots crawling around in it's eye sockets. Pretty nasty, yeah? Your own body is more revolting than that. If you eat at all you feel like a failure. Like you don't deserve to live. You hate yourself and everything about you and you will do anything to be thin.
Sounds like fun, right? And wait, you want to be a BETTER anorexic. So it's probably not just skipping meals. It's probably hiding it too. Eat some toast in the morning for show and then work yourself into the ground later on while no one is paying attention. Or you can use your friends as the basis for a lie. "Oh, no, I ate a huge break-fast at so-and-so's, my stomach is ready to burst!" Or maybe lie to your friends "No, I ate before class, and that was only a hour ago... I'm really too full to eat now." "I ate an early dinner with my family because my dad had a lot of work to do.", oh, and compare that one with "I'm going to so-and-so's later, so I'll eat dinner there". You've become quite the little liar! Most likely though, those lies aren't good enough. A step forward from that is actually putting the food in your mouth, chewing it up, and when no one is looking, spitting it out. But that's a form of bulimia. Not good enough for the anorexic looking to go above and beyond. Maybe getting up in the wee hours of the morning to work yourself to death, and then staying up until midnight to work-out some more isn't enough either. You want to be able to eat and fool people, and then throw it up. Unfortunately this isn't a pleasant process. You have to put the food in your mouth and HATE yourself, and then get up the courage to run and lock yourself in the bathroom and shove your fingers down your throat. You'll probably cry and be horribly ashamed of yourself (and maybe realize you have a problem). But you need to. Because you can't be fat, not when you're so close to perfection. So you force yourself to gag until you throw up. It'll take a while, and it'll hurt. You might make your throat bleed, and you'll be hoarse for hours, and your throat will feel like you have strep. Hey, you wanted to be a better anorexic. And I am a very good anorexic, so you're getting advice from the best.
Now. You know HOW to be anorexic. Let me list for you exactly what will happen.
-Your skin will turn a pretty shade of grey. Grey is the new tan, don't you know? Oh, and by the way, forget about tanning. Ain't gonna happen with your grey skin.
-Your hair is going to fall out. You get to look forward to cleaning off your brush every two days because you can't brush out your hair because the bristles are entangled in all of the hair that you've lost. And don't look down after you've take a shower. The sheer amount of hair on the shower floor might make you cry.
-You'll be cold. All the time. So cold that going outside in any temperature under 80 degrees will make you miserable.
-Your hands will shake, until it's nearly impossible to write anything.
-Bones really hurt when they poke into your skin. I mean, really badly. Try going to sleep when your hip bone is jabbing out, or sitting down when your ribs feel like they're about to rip a hole in your side.
-Did you think you were dizzy on the tea-cup ride at disney world? That is nothing compared to how the room will spin.
-You will be so weak and so tired you'll have to sit down after taking a shower because it took too much effort to stand for that long. Walking up a flight of stairs feels like running a marathon.
-You'll miss your period. You think this won't be that big of a deal, it's annoying anyway. But your body stops absorbing and using calcium after not menstruating for 8 months. That means if you break something, it won't heal.
-Your dentist will hate you. Can you say cavities?
Oh, oh, and if that wasn't enough, if you're really lucky you'll also get to experience:
-Your friend bursting into tears in the middle of rehearsal because your hair is thinning like crazy.
-Friends begging you to eat because they don't want you to die.
-The look of disappointment in people's eyes when they realize you were stupid enough to stop eating.
-Your friend telling you that she will never trust you again because you lied to her for so long about eating.
-People screaming at you to eat.
-Your teacher crying because she suspected you were anorexic and you told her it was true.
-Being threatened into eating
And wait, there's more!!!
-You'll be so wrapped up in your image of perfection, using numbers to determine your worth as a person, and staring into fun house mirrors you won't care until it's too late and you've lost or almost lost everything.
Having an eating disorder is a nightmare. A nightmare that you're addicted to. A nightmare that you're in denial about. Let's start with how an eating disorder gets into your brain.
Most likely you'll be a teenage girl, already insecure about your body image, because you're a teenage girl, and really, aren't we all at least a little insecure? You'll be worrying about your body image, and someone will come along and say the wrong thing. Someone will call you fat. Someone will say something nasty about your weight. And bam, a seed of doubt is planted in the fertile ground of your insecurity. And in some, the seed never really grows, but in others, the seed begins to sprout. An eating disorder takes its roots inside you. Slowly your thoughts begin to change. You become more critical of yourself. You start working out a little more, start dieting. You look in the mirror and get frustrated because fat clings stubbornly to your body. You start obsessing over the best ways to reduce fat and lose weight. Somewhere you'll stumble along a suggestion to reduce caloric intake. Huh. What a brilliant idea. You cut out some calories in your diet. It's probably anywhere from 100-500 at first that you cut out. You exercise more. You become very conscious of the nutrition facts, and how many calories are in certain things. The numbers on the scale mean more and more and even as they go down that image in the mirror remains the same.
So it's started. You're not eating, the numbers keep getting lower and lower, but you seem to keep getting fatter and fatter. All you can think about is food, what meals you're going to skip, how many calories you've burned, how much more you can exercise. You can just feel the fat jiggle around on your body and it's disgusting. Wanna know how disgusting? Think of a rotting corpse, with maggots crawling around in it's eye sockets. Pretty nasty, yeah? Your own body is more revolting than that. If you eat at all you feel like a failure. Like you don't deserve to live. You hate yourself and everything about you and you will do anything to be thin.
Sounds like fun, right? And wait, you want to be a BETTER anorexic. So it's probably not just skipping meals. It's probably hiding it too. Eat some toast in the morning for show and then work yourself into the ground later on while no one is paying attention. Or you can use your friends as the basis for a lie. "Oh, no, I ate a huge break-fast at so-and-so's, my stomach is ready to burst!" Or maybe lie to your friends "No, I ate before class, and that was only a hour ago... I'm really too full to eat now." "I ate an early dinner with my family because my dad had a lot of work to do.", oh, and compare that one with "I'm going to so-and-so's later, so I'll eat dinner there". You've become quite the little liar! Most likely though, those lies aren't good enough. A step forward from that is actually putting the food in your mouth, chewing it up, and when no one is looking, spitting it out. But that's a form of bulimia. Not good enough for the anorexic looking to go above and beyond. Maybe getting up in the wee hours of the morning to work yourself to death, and then staying up until midnight to work-out some more isn't enough either. You want to be able to eat and fool people, and then throw it up. Unfortunately this isn't a pleasant process. You have to put the food in your mouth and HATE yourself, and then get up the courage to run and lock yourself in the bathroom and shove your fingers down your throat. You'll probably cry and be horribly ashamed of yourself (and maybe realize you have a problem). But you need to. Because you can't be fat, not when you're so close to perfection. So you force yourself to gag until you throw up. It'll take a while, and it'll hurt. You might make your throat bleed, and you'll be hoarse for hours, and your throat will feel like you have strep. Hey, you wanted to be a better anorexic. And I am a very good anorexic, so you're getting advice from the best.
Now. You know HOW to be anorexic. Let me list for you exactly what will happen.
-Your skin will turn a pretty shade of grey. Grey is the new tan, don't you know? Oh, and by the way, forget about tanning. Ain't gonna happen with your grey skin.
-Your hair is going to fall out. You get to look forward to cleaning off your brush every two days because you can't brush out your hair because the bristles are entangled in all of the hair that you've lost. And don't look down after you've take a shower. The sheer amount of hair on the shower floor might make you cry.
-You'll be cold. All the time. So cold that going outside in any temperature under 80 degrees will make you miserable.
-Your hands will shake, until it's nearly impossible to write anything.
-Bones really hurt when they poke into your skin. I mean, really badly. Try going to sleep when your hip bone is jabbing out, or sitting down when your ribs feel like they're about to rip a hole in your side.
-Did you think you were dizzy on the tea-cup ride at disney world? That is nothing compared to how the room will spin.
-You will be so weak and so tired you'll have to sit down after taking a shower because it took too much effort to stand for that long. Walking up a flight of stairs feels like running a marathon.
-You'll miss your period. You think this won't be that big of a deal, it's annoying anyway. But your body stops absorbing and using calcium after not menstruating for 8 months. That means if you break something, it won't heal.
-Your dentist will hate you. Can you say cavities?
Oh, oh, and if that wasn't enough, if you're really lucky you'll also get to experience:
-Your friend bursting into tears in the middle of rehearsal because your hair is thinning like crazy.
-Friends begging you to eat because they don't want you to die.
-The look of disappointment in people's eyes when they realize you were stupid enough to stop eating.
-Your friend telling you that she will never trust you again because you lied to her for so long about eating.
-People screaming at you to eat.
-Your teacher crying because she suspected you were anorexic and you told her it was true.
-Being threatened into eating
And wait, there's more!!!
-You'll be so wrapped up in your image of perfection, using numbers to determine your worth as a person, and staring into fun house mirrors you won't care until it's too late and you've lost or almost lost everything.
Monday, July 18, 2011
Sunday, July 17, 2011
Saturday, July 16, 2011
Countdown....
Now I have The Final Countdown stuck in my head. And that's the only line to the song that I know. Anyway, counting down until the day when my lovely girlfriend will make her way to the clearly superior state of Texas ;). It's going to be fucking epic.
This image ("Number 7") credited to Numerology
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
Mine- Taylor Swift
You were in college working part time waiting tables
Left a small town, never looked back
I was a flight risk with a fear of falling
Wondering why we bother with love if it never lasts
I say can you believe it?
As we're lying on the couch
The moment I could see it
Yes, yes, I can see it now
Do you remember we were sitting there by the water?
You put your arm around me for the first time
You made a rebel of a careless man's careful daughter
You are the best thing that's ever been mine
Flash forward and we're taking on the world together
And there's a drawer of my things at your place
You learn my secrets and you figure out why I'm guarded
You say we'll never make my parents' mistakes
But we got bills to pay
We got nothing figured out
When it was hard to take
Yes, yes, this is what I thought about
Do you remember we were sitting there by the water?
You put your arm around me for the first time
You made a rebel of a careless man's careful daughter
You are the best thing that's ever been mine
Do you remember all the city lights on the water?
You saw me start to believe for the first time
You made a rebel of a careless man's careful daughter
You are the best thing that's ever been mine
And I remember that fight, 2:30 a.m.
As everything was slipping right out of our hands
I ran out crying and you followed me out into the street
Braced myself for the goodbye
'Cause that's all I've ever known
Then you took me by surprise
You said I'll never leave you alone
You said I remember how we felt sitting by the water
And every time I look at you, it's like the first time
I fell in love with a careless man's careful daughter
She is the best thing that's ever been mine
Hold on, make it last
Hold on, never turn back
You made a rebel of a careless man's careful daughter
You are the best thing that's ever been mine
Do you believe it?
We're gonna make it now
I can see it
I can see it now
Left a small town, never looked back
I was a flight risk with a fear of falling
Wondering why we bother with love if it never lasts
I say can you believe it?
As we're lying on the couch
The moment I could see it
Yes, yes, I can see it now
Do you remember we were sitting there by the water?
You put your arm around me for the first time
You made a rebel of a careless man's careful daughter
You are the best thing that's ever been mine
Flash forward and we're taking on the world together
And there's a drawer of my things at your place
You learn my secrets and you figure out why I'm guarded
You say we'll never make my parents' mistakes
But we got bills to pay
We got nothing figured out
When it was hard to take
Yes, yes, this is what I thought about
Do you remember we were sitting there by the water?
You put your arm around me for the first time
You made a rebel of a careless man's careful daughter
You are the best thing that's ever been mine
Do you remember all the city lights on the water?
You saw me start to believe for the first time
You made a rebel of a careless man's careful daughter
You are the best thing that's ever been mine
And I remember that fight, 2:30 a.m.
As everything was slipping right out of our hands
I ran out crying and you followed me out into the street
Braced myself for the goodbye
'Cause that's all I've ever known
Then you took me by surprise
You said I'll never leave you alone
You said I remember how we felt sitting by the water
And every time I look at you, it's like the first time
I fell in love with a careless man's careful daughter
She is the best thing that's ever been mine
Hold on, make it last
Hold on, never turn back
You made a rebel of a careless man's careful daughter
You are the best thing that's ever been mine
Do you believe it?
We're gonna make it now
I can see it
I can see it now
Thursday, July 7, 2011
This is what we do
Natalie: :) I love you.
gisellesylphide: I love you, too =)
gisellesylphide: only more ;)
Natalie: do not
gisellesylphide: do so
Natalie: do not
gisellesylphide: do so
Natalie: do not
gisellesylphide: do so
Natalie: do not
gisellesylphide: do so, dammit
Natalie: no
gisellesylphide: yes
Natalie: no
gisellesylphide: yes
Natalie: no
gisellesylphide: yes
Natalie: no
gisellesylphide: yes
Natalie: no dammit
gisellesylphide: yes. Now shut up
Natalie: no and no
gisellesylphide: Yes
Natalie: no
gisellesylphide: give in, dammit
Natalie: LMAO
Natalie: No
Natalie: :P
Natalie: I will not
gisellesylphide: :P
Natalie: :3 I will win
gisellesylphide: you will not win
gisellesylphide: because I love you the most
Natalie: do not
gisellesylphide: This argument is over
Natalie: duh
Natalie: because I've won
Natalie: :P
gisellesylphide: You did not win. Because I love you the most.
Natalie: FIIIINE
gisellesylphide: *kisses* good girl =)
gisellesylphide: I love you, too =)
gisellesylphide: only more ;)
Natalie: do not
gisellesylphide: do so
Natalie: do not
gisellesylphide: do so
Natalie: do not
gisellesylphide: do so
Natalie: do not
gisellesylphide: do so, dammit
Natalie: no
gisellesylphide: yes
Natalie: no
gisellesylphide: yes
Natalie: no
gisellesylphide: yes
Natalie: no
gisellesylphide: yes
Natalie: no dammit
gisellesylphide: yes. Now shut up
Natalie: no and no
gisellesylphide: Yes
Natalie: no
gisellesylphide: give in, dammit
Natalie: LMAO
Natalie: No
Natalie: :P
Natalie: I will not
gisellesylphide: :P
Natalie: :3 I will win
gisellesylphide: you will not win
gisellesylphide: because I love you the most
Natalie: do not
gisellesylphide: This argument is over
Natalie: duh
Natalie: because I've won
Natalie: :P
gisellesylphide: You did not win. Because I love you the most.
Natalie: FIIIINE
gisellesylphide: *kisses* good girl =)
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
...and here is a story of losing
In 2009 the world lost a very beautiful, bright life. That life's name was Lauren, and Lauren was my friend. She was everyone's friend. She was so nice and sweet and loved so much. She gave practical advice when you needed it, a scolding when you needed it, and a giant hug whenever you wanted it. She was beautiful. She was the mother of two very beautiful little girls, and a wife to a very nice man. She was talented and smart, but she was a stay-at-home mommy. She was amazing and it's killing me to have to talk about her in the past tense. Because in 2009 Lauren died. Her heart just stopped. She was only 27, but an eating disorder made her body feel very old and tired. In 2009 an eating disorder stole Lauren. It took her away and there's no getting her back. And god does it hurt everyone who loved her. Years later people send her messages she'll never get telling her how much we love her, and miss her, and hope that she is in a place as beautiful as she is. And that she's happy. That her afterlife is peaceful without ED or stress or sadness. That she knows that she is beautiful and she's just being happy.
It hurts to be without her, and knowing there will be no more reassurances and advice and hugs. Sometimes I still curl up and cry because I miss her, and you know what? That's okay. There's your lesson: it's okay to grieve. Don't be ashamed of crying because you miss someone, because everyone misses someone, and everyone's cried. It's okay to miss them. You just have to make sure your life doesn't end with theirs.
It hurts to be without her, and knowing there will be no more reassurances and advice and hugs. Sometimes I still curl up and cry because I miss her, and you know what? That's okay. There's your lesson: it's okay to grieve. Don't be ashamed of crying because you miss someone, because everyone misses someone, and everyone's cried. It's okay to miss them. You just have to make sure your life doesn't end with theirs.
love,
Alice
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