in which I am still alive

Yes, I am still alive. Somehow. I didn't mean to drop off of the face of the earth, I've just been super busy. I had a chemistry exam today AND a statistics exam. And now next week I have a counseling exam, but I'm letting my brain rest. I've been buried under a pile of textbooks, calculators, notebooks, and number two pencils. No time to breathe, which has not been good. I ended up in the ER the week before last due to repeated absence seizures. I'm okay now, I'm only having one or two a day, which I think is due to lack of sleep and stress. So, lesson, don't let yourself get super stressed and sleep at least eight hours a night.

The other day marked 3 years without purging, which is just pretty fucking epic. I'm super proud of that. That's been a really hard three years, but I made it! Shooting for four now. =)

And a super happy Mabon to you all! If you have no idea what I'm talking about, you're probably not pagan. Mabon is the fall equinox. Which is today. Duh.

love,
Alice

1000 days

Today marks 1000 days since the last time I purged. That's right, 1000 fucking days, bitches. Ahem. 1,000 days is a lot of days, in case you didn't know. It seems especially long when you consider the idea I didn't think I could go anymore than 10 days without throwing up. But 10 days turned to 20 and 20 days turned to 50, and 50 days turned to 100, and then somehow 100 turned into 365 and I had made it an entire year. Once you get to a year, you get that much more determined to not fuck it up. Seriously, one year without purging only to fall flat on my face again would probably have led to a full fledged relapse. But, aha, then it became 2 years without purging and my determination grew, because that would make me feel even worse falling down after two years than it would have after one.

Today is 1000 days and this September will mark three years, all I have to say is: holy fucking shit

love,

Alice

Recovery Playlist

Hope For The Hopeless- A Fine Frenzy
Dream On- Aerosmith
Change- Carrie Underwood
Everybody's Fool- Evanescence
All That I'm Living For- Evanescence
Listen To The Rain- Evanescence
Lies- Evanescence
Lies (Remake)- Evanescence
The Only One- Evanescence
Where Will You Go (EP)- Evanescence
Where Will You Go- Evanescence
Seasons Of Love- RENT
Seasons Of Love B- RENT
Finale B- RENT
Love Heals- RENT
Gravity- Sara Bareilles
King of Anything- Sara Bareilles
Uncharted- Sara Bareilles
Let the Rain- Sara Bareilles
One Girl Revolution- Superchick
Stand in the Rain- Superchick
Beauty From Pain-  Superchick
Change- Taylor Swift
Long Live- Taylor Swift
Stay Beautiful- Taylor Swift
Circle of Life- Lion King
Stand My Ground- Within Temptation
Defying Gravity- Wicked
Keep Holding On- Glee Cast
True Colors- Glee Cast
Smile- Glee Cast
These Two Hands (live and EP)- Hana Pestle
Rain- Hana Pestle
Never Learned To Lie- Hana Pestle
Wheel In The Sky- Journey
Firework- Katy Perry
Pearl- Katy Perry
Addicted- Kelly Clarkson
Breakaway- Kelly Clarkson
Hello World- Lady Antebellum
Born This Way- Lady Gaga
The Edge Of Glory- Lady Gaga
I Have A Dream- Amanda Seyfried
Virginia Bluebell- Miranda Lambert
Kerosene- Miranda Lambert
Stronger- Britney Spears
Country Strong- Gwyneth Paltrow
Bring On The Rain- Jo Dee Messina
It's Only Life- Kate Voegele
Rise Above This- Seether
Dear Friend- Staci Orrico
Never Too Late- Three Days Grace
Life Support- RENT
Will I- RENT

Dear ED

Dear ED,

I would like to start off by letting you know that you would make me very happy if you jumped off a cliff and died. I would also like to let you know, fuck you for having me so damn twisted into you that I don't know what I would do if you suddenly disappeared from my life. How did you do that? How did you sneak into my brain like that? How did you make yourself a part of me? Because you have.You're a part of me and you always will be, but that doesn't mean that I'm not going to fight you every single day with everything I have. I am. I'm not going to give into you and this relapse ends now. You aren't going to rule my world anymore, I'm not going to sit back and watch you take over me like you've done so many times before. Tell me how fat and worthless I am all you want, I might agree now but that doesn't mean I'm going to let you take my life away from me. That's all you want, you're not my friend. You tell me you are, and that you're never going to leave me even when the rest of the world will but that's not true. You're not my friend and you never were. The only thing you've "helped me" do is destroy myself and I'm done. You want my life, well you can't fucking have it. You can't have it. You took Lauren's life away from her. You took a mother from her children, a wife from her husband, a sister from her sister, a daughter from her mother, and a friend from the people that love her. You took her away and that was when I knew you weren't my friend. I hate you. I hate you for taking her away. I hate you for telling me to hate myself. I hate you for stealing so many parts of my life away. I hate you for making me feel worthless. I hate you for making Emily your ally. I hate you for making my friends cry. I hate you I hate you I hate you!!! Fuck off and never come fucking back. We're done. You can scream all you want but I'm not listening. I'm listening to the people who love me instead.

</3,
Alice