Of accidents of the car sort

I... have an okay track record with cars. It has caused me to be a very, very cautious driver which annoys anyone who wants to get somewhere quickly. I will drive the speed limit, dammit, always use my blinkers, avoid other cars like the plague, wait the required amount of time at stop signs, peek at train tracks to make sure the barriers haven't broken and that even if they're up there is actually a train coming, refuse to talk on the phone or eat while driving. And so on and so forth with the things that drivers should normally do but tend not to do.

The reason why I only have an okay track record instead of a good one is because of the accidents I have been in.

Accident the I: sometime in fourth or fifth grade. Not a big deal. I was in afterschool care at a day care, and I got picked up from school with a bunch of other kids. The giant van, of course, had no seat belts. That would be too safe. So as we are driving up a stop light and a car behind us accelerates and slams into the back. My head smacked the back of the seat in front of me, and just as everyone was straightening up again, they hit us AGAIN. And thus my head hit the seat again. I still do not know what the hell their problem was, because I understanding rear ending someone once, but twice? And why would you speed up at a stoplight? And for the love of god, why did we not have seat belts?

Unsurprisingly, we got seat belts after that.

Accident the II: September 11, 2001. Yup, I had to add a car accident to an already shitty day. 9/11 craziness going on, my grandpa going into the hospital for one of the last times, and a car accident. We were seriously just leaving the parking lot, and my mom wasn't paying a lot of attention because she was distracted with worrying about my grandpa. My mom, my dad, my brother, my aunt, and I were all in the car. My parents in the front seats and me, Jacob, and my aunt in the back. We pulled out, another car stopped abruptly, and we plowed into the back of their truck. The front of our car just crumpled, it was kind of insane that such a small amount of force completely killed the front of our car. They lost their bumper. The only injury I received was a red painful spot on my shoulder and chest from slamming into my seat belt when it locked. A girl in the truck in front of us thought she broke a rib, but the pain cleared up pretty fast so it was assumed she didn't. Even if she did, what would the problem be? We were right outside of the hospital parking lot.

Accident the III: 6th grade. Not quite a car, and also not quite a go cart. I don't know. Anyway. I was in it with my dad's friend driving, who apparently had had more than a few drinks. He took a turn too fast, we flipped over three times. That was... an interesting experience. It was like a blur though, I don't actually remember much of flipping, not the fear or anything because it happened so fast. It was like I blinked and was sitting in it, while it laid on its side. My seat belt had held me securely in place, and besides a streak of oil down my shirt and being shaken up, I was fine. My dad's friend was not so lucky because he was not wearing his seat belt. He flew out and landed on the concrete and seriously injured his ankle. Lesson: drunk drivers are bad, and you should always wear your seat belt. It will save your ass.

Accident the IV: Yesterday. I was with my mom, and we made a turn and the back tires slipped. I don't know how, because they slipped the wrong way that they should have if the turn made them slip. So, they slip once and we make a full circle on the road, my mom tries to straighten us out and we just spin in the other direction, and then back in the other direction. The only thing that stopped us was slamming into the grass on the side of the road. We were two feet away from the ditch that ran there, and on the other side of the road there was an eight foot ditch. No injuries besides a scratch to the side of our truck. What disturbed me the most was the car that just drove by us as we were spiraling all over the road. seriously. What the hell? If we had spun in the opposite direction we would have hit him and then there would have been serious injuries. And as we are sitting there half in the grass and mud, facing oncoming traffic, everyone just drove by us. Seriously. People disturb me sometimes.

Any accidents y'all have been in?

love,

Alice

in which I take midterms and listen to awesome music

Wow, that's a long title. Anyway.

The oh-so-lovely week or so of midterms is here. I had two this week, and I just got out of my ballet midterm. I think I did okay, I would have done better if the floor wasn't slippery. No one landed a perfect turn today because of said slippery floor. I have two other tests next week, which are going to be tons of fun because it's stats and chemistry and I just love those classes. Not.

Evanescence, by Evanescence, came out on Tuesday, and let me say that the record is fucking amazing. This blows Fallen and The Open Door out of the water. It is a heavy album, and I am in love with the drums in it. The harp is lovely as well, but the drums, the drums are just so epic. Amy pushes the top of her range in more songs than they've ever done on previous records, and I love it. She rocks it out. It's just amazing. All of it rocks. Obviously. I've been listening to this nonstop since it came out, I honestly can not get enough of it. It completely sucks you in. Go buy it now. Seriously. Now. Do it.

love,

Alice

Dear You

Dear you,

Hi. I'm pretty positive you already know what this is about. At least I hope you do. I hope you know and I hope you feel like shit about it. I never hope bad things on someone but I'm finding it really hard not to hope bad things on you. So this is fucking ridiculous. I talked over you. Dear lord, what a crime. I should be hung! And you flipped out on me. Again. And when I say again, I mean like the fifth fucking time that week. It was only Wednesday. You seem to be doing that a lot lately. I thought we got through this years ago. You know what this is. You remember that you and him screamed constantly and vocally tore a child down her whole life. I thought this was over when I learned how to fight back. Guess I was wrong. You have been a lot of things in your life, but I never thought you would be downright mean. Maybe you didn't realize what you were doing when I was younger, but you do now. You're using words that you know will hurt the most, and you spend all day locked in your fucking room only coming out to yell. But you're so sweet to everyone else. No one outside the house sees what you're doing, but I do. You're not innocent. You're just mean.

I tried so damn hard to be perfect for you. I still do and you throw it in my face. I can clean the entire house while you're gone, just to try to make you happy with me and you come home and call me lazy. I can spend all day studying and come home with a certificate saying I was on the Dean's List and you call me stupid. I can make the lead in a show and you call me talentless. I can come home from volunteering all day and working with little kids and you call me worthless. I can starve myself to be thin and spend hours trying to put on the best make-up and style my hair and you call me fat and ugly. I can work my ass off to do all of your work for you so that you can just rest and you call me a bitch. I have my own opinions and I'm a bitch and a waste of oxygen and I should go to hell. I hurt myself and hide it just so I won't have to cry in front of you, so I can force a smile onto my face for you and you call me pathetic, and negative, and a drama queen. I try so damn hard to be perfect for you, but I'm never going to be good enough. 

I want to be mean right back, but that's not who I am. I'm not sinking to your level. I won't make the same mistakes you did, I won't be a bitch like you. I'm not going to hate, I'm going to love. I'm not going to scream and I'm not going to tear people down like you did. I want to hate you, but I can't, because you're my fucking mother. I'm going to love my children. I'm not going to make them hurt like you made me hurt. I'm not going to be like you. Never.

Alice

in which today fucking sucks

So, I've had the worst day ever. Because of a new medication, my seizure meds have become slightly less effective, which led to small absence seizures... I didn't really notice what they were until today when I had one or more every five minutes. In case you don't know what those are, your brain is seizing, and you end up missing several seconds of time. It's like closing your eyes and opening them and you're across the room and you're not sure how you are, because you don't remember any of that walk. Or talking on the phone to someone and they're suddenly talking about something else and you have no memory of them changing topics. Some are just a few seconds, some are more like 10 seconds. They're really, really fucking creepy and distressing. So that's what I was having every five minutes. I called my mom, and she called my neurologist who told her to bring me to the hospital immediately. In the hospital I got five million tests run, stabbed repeatedly trying to get an IV in and draw blood (did you know getting an IV in your wrist hurts like fucking hell?), and it seriously sucked. And now I'm sentenced to bed rest for today and tomorrow, despite the fact that this is my first week of classes and that I need to study and go to all of those classes. And I keep having tiny ones and they're still just as distressing... And I can't drive for another fucking six months... and today fucking sucks.

love,

Alice

annnnnnnndddddddddddd..............

almost done counting down

keep counting down

count downnnnnnnnnnnnnnn

Counting down

Countdown!!

image credit to someone that's not me

countdown!

Again, image credit to Numerology.

Countdown....

Now I have The Final Countdown stuck in my head. And that's the only line to the song that I know. Anyway, counting down until the day when my lovely girlfriend will make her way to the clearly superior state of Texas ;). It's going to be fucking epic.

 

This image ("Number 7") credited to Numerology

...and here is a story of losing

In 2009 the world lost a very beautiful, bright life. That life's name was Lauren, and Lauren was my friend. She was everyone's friend. She was so nice and sweet and loved so much. She gave practical advice when you needed it, a scolding when you needed it, and a giant hug whenever you wanted it. She was beautiful. She was the mother of two very beautiful little girls, and a wife to a very nice man. She was talented and smart, but she was a stay-at-home mommy. She was amazing and it's killing me to have to talk about her in the past tense. Because in 2009 Lauren died. Her heart just stopped. She was only 27, but an eating disorder made her body feel very old and tired. In 2009 an eating disorder stole Lauren. It took her away and there's no getting her back. And god does it hurt everyone who loved her. Years later people send her messages she'll never get telling her how much we love her, and miss her, and hope that she is in a place as beautiful as she is. And that she's happy. That her afterlife is peaceful without ED or stress or sadness. That she knows that she is beautiful and she's just being happy.

It hurts to be without her, and knowing there will be no more reassurances and advice and hugs. Sometimes I still curl up and cry because I miss her, and you know what? That's okay. There's your lesson: it's okay to grieve. Don't be ashamed of crying because you miss someone, because everyone misses someone, and everyone's cried. It's okay to miss them. You just have to make sure your life doesn't end with theirs.

love,

Alice

in which I discuss my weirdass dreams

Okay, so just so you know, 98% of my dreams are really fucking weird and make no sense whatsoever. I feel this is unfair, considering the fact that my girlfriend's dreams make sense a majority of the time, as well with almost everyone I know (save Aerial). Sometimes my dreams are good weird, sometimes they are nightmare-ish weird. If you doubt that someone's dreams can be really fucking weird all the time, I am here to prove you wrong. If you are bored out of your mind, I am here to entertain you with queerness. (and dammit I am using that word with its original meaning. If you don't know it, look it up.) Note that not all of these happened in the same night.

Dream #1
Mash up with Harry Potter and Power Rangers, where we had to journey under a volcano on the edge of Hogwarts' grounds. Once we arrived at the volcano, we observed people jumping in at the top and coming back out as flowers.

Dream #2
I am at a water park with an elephant and all of my cousins, and we are hopelessly lost. The elephant ditches us to go on a water slide. I am then separated from my cousins and wander around to a swing set where I meet Amy Lee. We have a long conversation before she abruptly jumps up and says "Oh shit, I have to get a pen!" I return to the water park and watch the elephant try to squeeze into a tube.

Dream #3
So there were these demon socks and I was trying to get them to behave, because they were tormenting the non-demon socks... and then my girlfriend calls me and asks me if I'm going to Hana Pestle's show and I was like, no, I have to deal with these demon socks. And so then I realize the lawyer demon socks were trying to con some non-demon socks out of their neighborhood and while I'm trying to sort that out Hana Pestle calls and asks if I'm coming to see her play, and I had to say, no, I was very sorry, and I wanted to see her but I couldn't go. She asked why and I told her about the demon socks and she was like, "wow, that sucks. bye." And I was left to deal with the demon socks all by myself, and had to go into hiding with some of the non-demon socks to save them from the demon socks.

Dream #4
Some bizarre mix of Evanescence and Spongebob that took place on a rocket ship.

Dream #5
I was hanging out with the guys of Evanescence, past and present. Okay, well, some of them. Not all. I believe it was John, Terry, Ben, and Tim. Weird grouping, right? But it made perfect sense in the dream. I don't know why I was hanging out with them, or what was going on, but it was epically awesome.

And now you know how weird dreams can get. Maybe I'll post some other ones sometime.

Love, 

Alice

1000 days

Today marks 1000 days since the last time I purged. That's right, 1000 fucking days, bitches. Ahem. 1,000 days is a lot of days, in case you didn't know. It seems especially long when you consider the idea I didn't think I could go anymore than 10 days without throwing up. But 10 days turned to 20 and 20 days turned to 50, and 50 days turned to 100, and then somehow 100 turned into 365 and I had made it an entire year. Once you get to a year, you get that much more determined to not fuck it up. Seriously, one year without purging only to fall flat on my face again would probably have led to a full fledged relapse. But, aha, then it became 2 years without purging and my determination grew, because that would make me feel even worse falling down after two years than it would have after one.

Today is 1000 days and this September will mark three years, all I have to say is: holy fucking shit

love,

Alice

Recovery Playlist

Hope For The Hopeless- A Fine Frenzy
Dream On- Aerosmith
Change- Carrie Underwood
Everybody's Fool- Evanescence
All That I'm Living For- Evanescence
Listen To The Rain- Evanescence
Lies- Evanescence
Lies (Remake)- Evanescence
The Only One- Evanescence
Where Will You Go (EP)- Evanescence
Where Will You Go- Evanescence
Seasons Of Love- RENT
Seasons Of Love B- RENT
Finale B- RENT
Love Heals- RENT
Gravity- Sara Bareilles
King of Anything- Sara Bareilles
Uncharted- Sara Bareilles
Let the Rain- Sara Bareilles
One Girl Revolution- Superchick
Stand in the Rain- Superchick
Beauty From Pain-  Superchick
Change- Taylor Swift
Long Live- Taylor Swift
Stay Beautiful- Taylor Swift
Circle of Life- Lion King
Stand My Ground- Within Temptation
Defying Gravity- Wicked
Keep Holding On- Glee Cast
True Colors- Glee Cast
Smile- Glee Cast
These Two Hands (live and EP)- Hana Pestle
Rain- Hana Pestle
Never Learned To Lie- Hana Pestle
Wheel In The Sky- Journey
Firework- Katy Perry
Pearl- Katy Perry
Addicted- Kelly Clarkson
Breakaway- Kelly Clarkson
Hello World- Lady Antebellum
Born This Way- Lady Gaga
The Edge Of Glory- Lady Gaga
I Have A Dream- Amanda Seyfried
Virginia Bluebell- Miranda Lambert
Kerosene- Miranda Lambert
Stronger- Britney Spears
Country Strong- Gwyneth Paltrow
Bring On The Rain- Jo Dee Messina
It's Only Life- Kate Voegele
Rise Above This- Seether
Dear Friend- Staci Orrico
Never Too Late- Three Days Grace
Life Support- RENT
Will I- RENT

Dear ED

Dear ED,

I would like to start off by letting you know that you would make me very happy if you jumped off a cliff and died. I would also like to let you know, fuck you for having me so damn twisted into you that I don't know what I would do if you suddenly disappeared from my life. How did you do that? How did you sneak into my brain like that? How did you make yourself a part of me? Because you have.You're a part of me and you always will be, but that doesn't mean that I'm not going to fight you every single day with everything I have. I am. I'm not going to give into you and this relapse ends now. You aren't going to rule my world anymore, I'm not going to sit back and watch you take over me like you've done so many times before. Tell me how fat and worthless I am all you want, I might agree now but that doesn't mean I'm going to let you take my life away from me. That's all you want, you're not my friend. You tell me you are, and that you're never going to leave me even when the rest of the world will but that's not true. You're not my friend and you never were. The only thing you've "helped me" do is destroy myself and I'm done. You want my life, well you can't fucking have it. You can't have it. You took Lauren's life away from her. You took a mother from her children, a wife from her husband, a sister from her sister, a daughter from her mother, and a friend from the people that love her. You took her away and that was when I knew you weren't my friend. I hate you. I hate you for taking her away. I hate you for telling me to hate myself. I hate you for stealing so many parts of my life away. I hate you for making me feel worthless. I hate you for making Emily your ally. I hate you for making my friends cry. I hate you I hate you I hate you!!! Fuck off and never come fucking back. We're done. You can scream all you want but I'm not listening. I'm listening to the people who love me instead.

</3,
Alice

and....

Alice vs. ED: Round __

in which I unapologize

If you do not listen to Carrie Underwood, you probably have no idea what unapologizing is: it's simply taking back an apology, from when you were not really sorry. There are a shit-ton of several people that I would like to unapologize to.

-Sabrina, after apologizing for so many things that I wasn't actually sorry for that I cannot possibly recall or blog here. One example, I really am not sorry for telling you not to touch me. Personal space, ever heard of it?

-Reagan, I actually am not sorry for exploding with built up tension, I'm really not sorry for keeping you in the dark about my anorexia. So there.

-Ryan, you fucking psycho, I'm not sorry for telling you to never speak or come near to me again. Because if this happens again I will get a restraining order.

-My dad, when I told him I was sorry for keeping in contact with Indigo. I loved her, I wasn't sorry in the slightest.

-My entire biological family on my bio-dad's side. Really, let me alone.

-My family when I barely restrained cussing them all out after not going to Sam's wedding; now I wish I had. Also, so not sorry for keeping you in the dark about 90% of my life.

-Both Hodges and Foster.

-Pretty much everyone I've done a group project with

-everyone I've ever apologized to for how I truly felt. That's what I felt, and I'm not sorry I felt it.

Thus, I take back all my apologies to all of you listed. I'm not sorry for publicly blogging this either. If you didn't want everyone to know about the things you did, you should have never done them in the first place. When Rose comes out, this will all come out and I certainly will not be sorry for that.

love (to my actual friends),

Alice

another day, another doctor's appointment

I spend far too much time seeing doctors: general physicians, physician aids, chiropractors, neurologists, psychiatrists, orthopedic doctors, pain management doctors....just far too many doctors. And it's not like I can ever quit seeing these doctors, I have lifetime issues, things that are never going to go away. That sounds scary but I've accepted it; nothing I have has a cure. I mean, sometimes I have minor breakdowns and cry about how it's not fair (which it really is not), but I know that doesn't do me any good.

That... is pretty much what Rose is about. Saying that it's not fair and pushing through it anyways; fighting with everything I have. As a good friend of mine one said, you have three options in life: give up, give in, or give it your all. So what are you going to do?

love,

Alice