Dear You

Dear you,

Hi. I'm pretty positive you already know what this is about. At least I hope you do. I hope you know and I hope you feel like shit about it. I never hope bad things on someone but I'm finding it really hard not to hope bad things on you. So this is fucking ridiculous. I talked over you. Dear lord, what a crime. I should be hung! And you flipped out on me. Again. And when I say again, I mean like the fifth fucking time that week. It was only Wednesday. You seem to be doing that a lot lately. I thought we got through this years ago. You know what this is. You remember that you and him screamed constantly and vocally tore a child down her whole life. I thought this was over when I learned how to fight back. Guess I was wrong. You have been a lot of things in your life, but I never thought you would be downright mean. Maybe you didn't realize what you were doing when I was younger, but you do now. You're using words that you know will hurt the most, and you spend all day locked in your fucking room only coming out to yell. But you're so sweet to everyone else. No one outside the house sees what you're doing, but I do. You're not innocent. You're just mean.

I tried so damn hard to be perfect for you. I still do and you throw it in my face. I can clean the entire house while you're gone, just to try to make you happy with me and you come home and call me lazy. I can spend all day studying and come home with a certificate saying I was on the Dean's List and you call me stupid. I can make the lead in a show and you call me talentless. I can come home from volunteering all day and working with little kids and you call me worthless. I can starve myself to be thin and spend hours trying to put on the best make-up and style my hair and you call me fat and ugly. I can work my ass off to do all of your work for you so that you can just rest and you call me a bitch. I have my own opinions and I'm a bitch and a waste of oxygen and I should go to hell. I hurt myself and hide it just so I won't have to cry in front of you, so I can force a smile onto my face for you and you call me pathetic, and negative, and a drama queen. I try so damn hard to be perfect for you, but I'm never going to be good enough. 

I want to be mean right back, but that's not who I am. I'm not sinking to your level. I won't make the same mistakes you did, I won't be a bitch like you. I'm not going to hate, I'm going to love. I'm not going to scream and I'm not going to tear people down like you did. I want to hate you, but I can't, because you're my fucking mother. I'm going to love my children. I'm not going to make them hurt like you made me hurt. I'm not going to be like you. Never.

Alice