Love,
Alice
Sunday, January 23, 2011
ELLA BELLA
No, I'm not talking about anything twilight related. The day I waste a blog on that is the day my blog should die. I am talking to the red-haired, blue-eyed, midget that is my baby cousin. Well, she's not a baby anymore =( She's already five, which is crazy. She still barely comes up above my knee when standing, and I am not tall. She's so energetic that when I leave from baby-sitting her I feel I need to sleep for a week. Last night she was very disappointed because I did not have my camera and therefore could not record her brilliant performance of her Magnety Person song, the first single of her debut album Sparkle the Sugar Glider. :P
Thursday, January 13, 2011
the end of fun is coming soon
The end of my winter break, better known as the end of my fun, is rapidly approaching. Which is lame. I like being on break, it gives me time to rest my brain after going psycho this past semester, which, btw, I made the DEAN'S LIST, bitches! Ha. I rock. Um, anyway. With the end of my amazing free time coming so quickly, I'm having to pack and remember all the little tiny things I need to bring back to school... and I realized that *insert dramatic background noises here* I have not given you any tips for surviving Wonderland in like, forever! I know, right? Insanity... so here's your tip for today:
When a new battle is rolling towards you, get your armor ready... but first take care of what's underneath that armor! That is, you. Take some time to do all of your favorite things, so that you're feeling great before that battle. Paint your nails, take a bubble bath, dye your hair blue (maybe that's just me...), read amazing books, watch movies, hang out with friends, go to the mall, and other fun things... but also be working on clearing you mind and body so you are the best you that you can be headed for that battle field. Do some puzzles, things that challenge you to think, meditate, exercise a little... jogging*, walking the dog**, some yoga, pilates, stuff like that. And then don your armor and go out and kick some ass!
Love,
Alice
*take care of the weather please. do not freeze/have a heat stroke/get electrocuted/be squashed by a falling tree/drown etc.
**see *
Friday, January 7, 2011
Triggered beyond all possible belief (trigger warning... duh)
*beats head against wall* it's been a really long time since I've had to force myself to keep distance from bathrooms. Since it felt like I just needed to be completely empty again. Since trying to come up with any excuse to myself and anyone else to go into that bathroom, half-hoping that if it's impulsive I won't be able to stop myself from purging. But now again I can feel it... to have to mentally coach myself through every single bite of food. I'm sitting here wanting to go cry but I can't trust myself to be alone. And fuck, all I want to do is cut, but that would mean being alone and that would risk purging which is one thing I can't fuck up. I cannot, I will not. FUCK. And I want to I hate myself because I want to, and I hate myself for not doing it. No matter what I do or don't do I hate myself. But that was the truth long before this idiot came along and triggered me. I have lovely red marks all over my arm from where I dug my nails in to make it go away but obviously said plan failed. And it's been 30 minutes and all chances of removing any calories via purging is gone. Too late for that. So why do I still want to?
Love (a frustrated and pissed off),
Alice
Thursday, January 6, 2011
A borderline-morbid thought and shameless self-advertising
Mkay... thought is that even though cutting is very bad, and SI unto itself is an evil, demon, monster, bitchface from hell... it's one demon that's saved my life on multiple occasions
And I only had this thought because I'm doing the formatting for Lovely... whiiiiich, brings me to my shameless self-advertising, because Lovely is coming out very soon as an e-book, through smashwords. Lovely being a novella penned by Allison Liddelle (that's ME!) about exactly what might happen if you were given the chance to relive one moment ten times, for better or worse. What would you do if you could go back and change it all?
And I only had this thought because I'm doing the formatting for Lovely... whiiiiich, brings me to my shameless self-advertising, because Lovely is coming out very soon as an e-book, through smashwords. Lovely being a novella penned by Allison Liddelle (that's ME!) about exactly what might happen if you were given the chance to relive one moment ten times, for better or worse. What would you do if you could go back and change it all?
Sunday, January 2, 2011
If cutting had a warning label: (from self-injury.net)
WARNING
...before you make the first cut remember.You will enjoy this.You will find the blood and pain release addictive.Even though you think you can make a few tiny cuts that aren't deep and will heal easily...they will get deeper.They will scar.They will take sometimes months to heal!!!And be prepared to withdraw from others and live in a constant state of shame. Even if you are the most honest person ever to live...you will find yourself lying to the people you love. You will jerk back from your friends when they touch you as if their hands were dipped in poison. You will be terrified that they will feel something under the cloth of you shirt or because it just plain hurts so much to be touched. Be prepared to get so out of control you fear your next cut because you dont know how bad it will be. Just wait for 10 cuts to turn into 100.Be prepared for you entire life to revolve around thinking about cutting..cutting and covering up cutting.And just wait till that first time you cut "too deep".And you freak out because the blood won't stop...and you are gaping...and you feel yourself shaking all over. You are having a panic attack and you are terrified but you can't tell anyone. So you sit there alone...praying it will be ok swearing you'll never let it go this far again...But you will and further. Don't worry, you will learn how to take care of your cuts so that you can go deeper and deeper and avoid the ER.And the better you get at treating your cuts the deeper they get.You will lie to yourself and justify it when you find yourself spending 20,30, or 50 dollars every time you go to the pharmacy. You will feel the flutter of your heartbeat everytime you go to the counter to ring up your order. Butterfly stips...3 or 4 different kinds of dressings...betadine...antibiotic cream...medical tape...scar reducers...You will tap your foot impatiently hoping the line will just move and no one will stare at you or wonder why you need all these things. And at the same time secretly hope someone will notice....someone who is standing in the line with an armful of the same supplies...someone who understands but of course that never happens. Medical supplies won't be the only thing you spend all your money on. Be prepared to buy a new wardrobe...longsleeve shirts in summer colors, bracelets, wristbands, boots...gloves...the list goes on and on. You will start looking at everyone in a different way...Scanning their bodies for any signs of SI...just hoping that you might meet someone like you so you don't feel so terribly alone. You wont even think about it...as your eyes scan their wrists arms...hoping just hoping they will be like you...But they are not. You will see their clean arms and feel terribly ashamed and alone. You will start doing a lot of things alone. You will always have to wash your laundry in private so noone sees the blood stains on your clothes and towels. You will always be cleaning up the blood...scrubbing your bathroom floor...wiping the blood of your keyboard.You won't be able to make it through a day without cutting....Next thing you know you are in a public bathroom somewhere breaking open a scab with a sewing needle that you keep in your wallet for emergencies.When you gett really desperate anything will be a cutting tool...scissors...a car key...a needle...a paperclip...even a pen. Doesn't matter what it is if you need to cut bad enough you will find something.A normal summer day at the beach or in a swimming pool will become a far off memory for you. Get ready to itch.Because you will itch and itch..."so much you will look like you have fleas or a skin disease." You will become an expert on your body as you destroy it carefully.You will dream about cutting...you will dream about being exposed.It will haunt you day and night and take over your life.You will wish you never made that first cut because while you absolutely HATE cutting...at the same time you love it and can not live without it.
you have been WARNED!!!
...before you make the first cut remember.You will enjoy this.You will find the blood and pain release addictive.Even though you think you can make a few tiny cuts that aren't deep and will heal easily...they will get deeper.They will scar.They will take sometimes months to heal!!!And be prepared to withdraw from others and live in a constant state of shame. Even if you are the most honest person ever to live...you will find yourself lying to the people you love. You will jerk back from your friends when they touch you as if their hands were dipped in poison. You will be terrified that they will feel something under the cloth of you shirt or because it just plain hurts so much to be touched. Be prepared to get so out of control you fear your next cut because you dont know how bad it will be. Just wait for 10 cuts to turn into 100.Be prepared for you entire life to revolve around thinking about cutting..cutting and covering up cutting.And just wait till that first time you cut "too deep".And you freak out because the blood won't stop...and you are gaping...and you feel yourself shaking all over. You are having a panic attack and you are terrified but you can't tell anyone. So you sit there alone...praying it will be ok swearing you'll never let it go this far again...But you will and further. Don't worry, you will learn how to take care of your cuts so that you can go deeper and deeper and avoid the ER.And the better you get at treating your cuts the deeper they get.You will lie to yourself and justify it when you find yourself spending 20,30, or 50 dollars every time you go to the pharmacy. You will feel the flutter of your heartbeat everytime you go to the counter to ring up your order. Butterfly stips...3 or 4 different kinds of dressings...betadine...antibiotic cream...medical tape...scar reducers...You will tap your foot impatiently hoping the line will just move and no one will stare at you or wonder why you need all these things. And at the same time secretly hope someone will notice....someone who is standing in the line with an armful of the same supplies...someone who understands but of course that never happens. Medical supplies won't be the only thing you spend all your money on. Be prepared to buy a new wardrobe...longsleeve shirts in summer colors, bracelets, wristbands, boots...gloves...the list goes on and on. You will start looking at everyone in a different way...Scanning their bodies for any signs of SI...just hoping that you might meet someone like you so you don't feel so terribly alone. You wont even think about it...as your eyes scan their wrists arms...hoping just hoping they will be like you...But they are not. You will see their clean arms and feel terribly ashamed and alone. You will start doing a lot of things alone. You will always have to wash your laundry in private so noone sees the blood stains on your clothes and towels. You will always be cleaning up the blood...scrubbing your bathroom floor...wiping the blood of your keyboard.You won't be able to make it through a day without cutting....Next thing you know you are in a public bathroom somewhere breaking open a scab with a sewing needle that you keep in your wallet for emergencies.When you gett really desperate anything will be a cutting tool...scissors...a car key...a needle...a paperclip...even a pen. Doesn't matter what it is if you need to cut bad enough you will find something.A normal summer day at the beach or in a swimming pool will become a far off memory for you. Get ready to itch.Because you will itch and itch..."so much you will look like you have fleas or a skin disease." You will become an expert on your body as you destroy it carefully.You will dream about cutting...you will dream about being exposed.It will haunt you day and night and take over your life.You will wish you never made that first cut because while you absolutely HATE cutting...at the same time you love it and can not live without it.
you have been WARNED!!!
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