Of accidents of the car sort

I... have an okay track record with cars. It has caused me to be a very, very cautious driver which annoys anyone who wants to get somewhere quickly. I will drive the speed limit, dammit, always use my blinkers, avoid other cars like the plague, wait the required amount of time at stop signs, peek at train tracks to make sure the barriers haven't broken and that even if they're up there is actually a train coming, refuse to talk on the phone or eat while driving. And so on and so forth with the things that drivers should normally do but tend not to do.

The reason why I only have an okay track record instead of a good one is because of the accidents I have been in.

Accident the I: sometime in fourth or fifth grade. Not a big deal. I was in afterschool care at a day care, and I got picked up from school with a bunch of other kids. The giant van, of course, had no seat belts. That would be too safe. So as we are driving up a stop light and a car behind us accelerates and slams into the back. My head smacked the back of the seat in front of me, and just as everyone was straightening up again, they hit us AGAIN. And thus my head hit the seat again. I still do not know what the hell their problem was, because I understanding rear ending someone once, but twice? And why would you speed up at a stoplight? And for the love of god, why did we not have seat belts?

Unsurprisingly, we got seat belts after that.

Accident the II: September 11, 2001. Yup, I had to add a car accident to an already shitty day. 9/11 craziness going on, my grandpa going into the hospital for one of the last times, and a car accident. We were seriously just leaving the parking lot, and my mom wasn't paying a lot of attention because she was distracted with worrying about my grandpa. My mom, my dad, my brother, my aunt, and I were all in the car. My parents in the front seats and me, Jacob, and my aunt in the back. We pulled out, another car stopped abruptly, and we plowed into the back of their truck. The front of our car just crumpled, it was kind of insane that such a small amount of force completely killed the front of our car. They lost their bumper. The only injury I received was a red painful spot on my shoulder and chest from slamming into my seat belt when it locked. A girl in the truck in front of us thought she broke a rib, but the pain cleared up pretty fast so it was assumed she didn't. Even if she did, what would the problem be? We were right outside of the hospital parking lot.

Accident the III: 6th grade. Not quite a car, and also not quite a go cart. I don't know. Anyway. I was in it with my dad's friend driving, who apparently had had more than a few drinks. He took a turn too fast, we flipped over three times. That was... an interesting experience. It was like a blur though, I don't actually remember much of flipping, not the fear or anything because it happened so fast. It was like I blinked and was sitting in it, while it laid on its side. My seat belt had held me securely in place, and besides a streak of oil down my shirt and being shaken up, I was fine. My dad's friend was not so lucky because he was not wearing his seat belt. He flew out and landed on the concrete and seriously injured his ankle. Lesson: drunk drivers are bad, and you should always wear your seat belt. It will save your ass.

Accident the IV: Yesterday. I was with my mom, and we made a turn and the back tires slipped. I don't know how, because they slipped the wrong way that they should have if the turn made them slip. So, they slip once and we make a full circle on the road, my mom tries to straighten us out and we just spin in the other direction, and then back in the other direction. The only thing that stopped us was slamming into the grass on the side of the road. We were two feet away from the ditch that ran there, and on the other side of the road there was an eight foot ditch. No injuries besides a scratch to the side of our truck. What disturbed me the most was the car that just drove by us as we were spiraling all over the road. seriously. What the hell? If we had spun in the opposite direction we would have hit him and then there would have been serious injuries. And as we are sitting there half in the grass and mud, facing oncoming traffic, everyone just drove by us. Seriously. People disturb me sometimes.

Any accidents y'all have been in?

love,

Alice

More sappiness

Sometimes you can't write a poem to say what you feel, you just have to say it.

Every single thing about her takes my breath away. Something I have to step back and wonder if I'm dreaming, and if I am I never want to wake up. Her smile fills me with warmth and her laugh is the most beautiful sound in the world. The sound of her voice makes me feel safe and happy even if I'm sad or scared to death. My name on her lips makes it seem pretty and unique instead of common. I could look into her eyes for an eternity and it wouldn't be enough. Being in her arms is utterly amazing and I would be perfectly happy to just be held by her for forever and a day. The touch of her hands makes my entire body hum and her kisses light my body and soul on fire. Walking hand and hang makes me feel like I could take on anything so long as she was there. She makes me feel pretty and smart, and looking at myself through her eyes lets me see the good in me where before I only saw bad. If I do nothing else right in this world from now on, if it rains for the rest of my life, it was worth it and beauitful because I got the chance to love her.

Alice

Silly, Serious, and Strange Love Quotes

In honor of Natalie, obviously.

“Love is like wildflowers; It's often found in the most unlikely places.” (by someone that isn't me)

“If I had a rose for every time I thought of you, I'd be picking roses for a lifetime.” (also by someone that isn't me)

"Love does not begin and end the way we seem to think it does. Love is a battle, love is a war; love is a growing up."
-James Baldwin

"Love builds bridges where there are none."
-R. H. Delaney

"Sometimes the heart sees what is invisible to the eye."
-H. Jackson Brown Jr.

"A kiss can be a comma, a question mark or an exclamation point. That's basic spelling that every woman ought to know."
-Mistinguette

"At the touch of love everyone becomes a poet."
-Plato

"If I had to choose between loving you and breathing, I would use my last breath to say I love you."
-Unknown Author

"If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?"
-Unknown Author

"Even if courage fails you, tell that special someone that you love them in anyway possible... "
-Unknown Author

"Falling in love is when she falls asleep in your arms and wakes up in your dreams. "
-Unknown Author

"To love and be loved is to feel the sun from both sides."
-David Viscott

"Is not a kiss the very autograph of love?"
-Henry Finck

"It is a curious thought, but it is only when you see people looking ridiculous that you realize just how much you love them."
-Agatha Christie

"Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. That's relativity. "
-Albert Einstein

"You know it's love when you want to keep holding hands even after you're sweaty."
-Unknown Author

A Thought To Someone From A Lifetime Ago

On the off chance that you'll see this, which wouldn't surprise me at all seeing as you facebookstalked me, I just want to tell you to let it go. Holding on is going to keep you in the past and it's going to keep hurting you. Let it go. Hate me if you need to, baby, tell yourself and the world that I was a stupid, self-absorbed bitch if it makes you sleep better at night. If you have to hate me to let it go, then hate me. Hate me so much you never want to think of me again and let it go. I'll be a distant memory, and you'll be so much happier.

Let me go, because I already let go of you.

Alice

in which I take midterms and listen to awesome music

Wow, that's a long title. Anyway.

The oh-so-lovely week or so of midterms is here. I had two this week, and I just got out of my ballet midterm. I think I did okay, I would have done better if the floor wasn't slippery. No one landed a perfect turn today because of said slippery floor. I have two other tests next week, which are going to be tons of fun because it's stats and chemistry and I just love those classes. Not.

Evanescence, by Evanescence, came out on Tuesday, and let me say that the record is fucking amazing. This blows Fallen and The Open Door out of the water. It is a heavy album, and I am in love with the drums in it. The harp is lovely as well, but the drums, the drums are just so epic. Amy pushes the top of her range in more songs than they've ever done on previous records, and I love it. She rocks it out. It's just amazing. All of it rocks. Obviously. I've been listening to this nonstop since it came out, I honestly can not get enough of it. It completely sucks you in. Go buy it now. Seriously. Now. Do it.

love,

Alice

IOFTPS II (and a lesson on procrastination)

Before I get to your normally scheduled funny quotes from strange people, I bring you an important lesson: DON'T PROCRASTINATE. No, seriously. My roommate and I's TV has been slowly leaning forward since move in day. The dresser underneath it was slowly bending, and we knew that we were going to have to move the TV before it fell. Well, we procrastinated on that saying, like "it's okay for now... we can move it later." It turned out moving it later was not an option. Last night, it slid off the dresser and crashed to the ground (thankfully unbroken). Scared the shit out of me though, and messed up the cable. So, yeah, no procrastinating on things like that anymore. It will turn bad.

Now, onto the funny.

"Sorry, we ran one minute over."
"If by one you mean eleven, then yes, yes you did."

"Sorry I'm late, I have a hangover." (...and that was the professor. Compare to: "Class is canceled, I have a hangover" by a professor at Baylor)

"Wow, that hurts your eyes. Really bad for those people out there with hangovers."

"What part of STUDY do you people not get?"

"No chewing gum in class, it's a safety hazard."
"Seriously, you are making this stuff up at this point."

"So, instead of using blackboard, we're going to be using twitter for this class."

"Why do we have lids on our coffee cups?"
"...to keep from spilling it?"
"...well, yes. But I was going for 'because it contains heat.'"

"Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow!"
"...he does know it's August, right?"

"Okay, well, I'm going to sing so you can find me. IT'S THE CIRCLE OF LIIIIIIIIIIFFEEEEE. AND IT MOVES US ALL."

"So, basically, Aristotle is a dick."

More funny to come at a later date. <3

in which I am still alive

Yes, I am still alive. Somehow. I didn't mean to drop off of the face of the earth, I've just been super busy. I had a chemistry exam today AND a statistics exam. And now next week I have a counseling exam, but I'm letting my brain rest. I've been buried under a pile of textbooks, calculators, notebooks, and number two pencils. No time to breathe, which has not been good. I ended up in the ER the week before last due to repeated absence seizures. I'm okay now, I'm only having one or two a day, which I think is due to lack of sleep and stress. So, lesson, don't let yourself get super stressed and sleep at least eight hours a night.

The other day marked 3 years without purging, which is just pretty fucking epic. I'm super proud of that. That's been a really hard three years, but I made it! Shooting for four now. =)

And a super happy Mabon to you all! If you have no idea what I'm talking about, you're probably not pagan. Mabon is the fall equinox. Which is today. Duh.

love,
Alice

Dear You

Dear you,

Hi. I'm pretty positive you already know what this is about. At least I hope you do. I hope you know and I hope you feel like shit about it. I never hope bad things on someone but I'm finding it really hard not to hope bad things on you. So this is fucking ridiculous. I talked over you. Dear lord, what a crime. I should be hung! And you flipped out on me. Again. And when I say again, I mean like the fifth fucking time that week. It was only Wednesday. You seem to be doing that a lot lately. I thought we got through this years ago. You know what this is. You remember that you and him screamed constantly and vocally tore a child down her whole life. I thought this was over when I learned how to fight back. Guess I was wrong. You have been a lot of things in your life, but I never thought you would be downright mean. Maybe you didn't realize what you were doing when I was younger, but you do now. You're using words that you know will hurt the most, and you spend all day locked in your fucking room only coming out to yell. But you're so sweet to everyone else. No one outside the house sees what you're doing, but I do. You're not innocent. You're just mean.

I tried so damn hard to be perfect for you. I still do and you throw it in my face. I can clean the entire house while you're gone, just to try to make you happy with me and you come home and call me lazy. I can spend all day studying and come home with a certificate saying I was on the Dean's List and you call me stupid. I can make the lead in a show and you call me talentless. I can come home from volunteering all day and working with little kids and you call me worthless. I can starve myself to be thin and spend hours trying to put on the best make-up and style my hair and you call me fat and ugly. I can work my ass off to do all of your work for you so that you can just rest and you call me a bitch. I have my own opinions and I'm a bitch and a waste of oxygen and I should go to hell. I hurt myself and hide it just so I won't have to cry in front of you, so I can force a smile onto my face for you and you call me pathetic, and negative, and a drama queen. I try so damn hard to be perfect for you, but I'm never going to be good enough. 

I want to be mean right back, but that's not who I am. I'm not sinking to your level. I won't make the same mistakes you did, I won't be a bitch like you. I'm not going to hate, I'm going to love. I'm not going to scream and I'm not going to tear people down like you did. I want to hate you, but I can't, because you're my fucking mother. I'm going to love my children. I'm not going to make them hurt like you made me hurt. I'm not going to be like you. Never.

Alice

in which today fucking sucks

So, I've had the worst day ever. Because of a new medication, my seizure meds have become slightly less effective, which led to small absence seizures... I didn't really notice what they were until today when I had one or more every five minutes. In case you don't know what those are, your brain is seizing, and you end up missing several seconds of time. It's like closing your eyes and opening them and you're across the room and you're not sure how you are, because you don't remember any of that walk. Or talking on the phone to someone and they're suddenly talking about something else and you have no memory of them changing topics. Some are just a few seconds, some are more like 10 seconds. They're really, really fucking creepy and distressing. So that's what I was having every five minutes. I called my mom, and she called my neurologist who told her to bring me to the hospital immediately. In the hospital I got five million tests run, stabbed repeatedly trying to get an IV in and draw blood (did you know getting an IV in your wrist hurts like fucking hell?), and it seriously sucked. And now I'm sentenced to bed rest for today and tomorrow, despite the fact that this is my first week of classes and that I need to study and go to all of those classes. And I keep having tiny ones and they're still just as distressing... And I can't drive for another fucking six months... and today fucking sucks.

love,

Alice

in which I would just like to say...

That if Rick Perry becomes president, I'm moving to Canada. Seriously. This is the man that changed his party to be elected as governor. I know how shitty he is in office, I live in Texas, and you can bet your ass I did not vote for him to be reelected. So, if you're saying Perry for President, I'm saying hello to Canada.

love (a very miffed),

Alice

in which it is almost time to say goodbye to summer.

So, summer is rapidly drawing to a close, and I just really want to cling to it and refuse to start back to school. Unfortunately I've been informed that time doesn't give a damn about what you want it to do, so I must give into it (trust me I tried not to when Natalie had to return to her frozen wasteland of a state and it didn't work out so well). Classes will be starting next Monday, and I will have to remember the layout of my school sometime before then, as I have absolutely no idea where the science building is. Which... is kind of sad considering I spent a year living on campus. I mean, geez, I know where the freaking visual arts building is and I've never even had to go there. How do I not know where the freaking science building is?

Blech. I still have to start packing. Yup, going back to school soon and I haven't even packed. Well, it's mostly clothes that I have to pack... and that couldn't take long, right? Ignore the fact that it took me a day last year. Also ignore the fact that it took me two days to assemble half of that crap together. I mean... most of them are still in their boxes from when I moved out at the end of the spring, so that can't take as long... I hope. I should probably stop writing this blog entry and go back; but am I going to? If you said "no" raise your hand as you are correct ladies and gents. If you said "yes" ha, you obviously are unaware of how much of a procrastinator I am. I'll finish this entry on that note, and procrastinate some more.

love,

Alice

PS:  I'm procrastinating on giving you a lesson

in which I once more have nothing important to say

My blog feels neglected. So I'm posting, even though I really have nothing to say. Um.... updated my website (http://www.gisellesylphide.webs.com) so that now I have a new page. Put up the long ago promised, half forgotten, greatly procrastinated on, second edition of Lovely. Not so many changes, but they were all things I thought were important, so there. :P Classes will be starting again soon... so summer is slowly running out of steam. Dammit. Uh... if you haven't by now, go download Evanescence's new single What You Want, it's pretty epic. Read my girlfriend's book, it's called Poetry by Natalie Bailey Hardin, currently only available on smashwords... play freerice, you learn and donate rice to people... and that's about I'll I've got. 

love,

Alice

Pet Peeves

We all have them, and sometimes we own up to them, and sometimes we keep them inside while we imagine strangling someone with the bubblegum they keep popping in our ears. Or gluing someone's jaw together so they stop smacking. So, I'm going to own up to my sometimes strange pet peeves, and maybe in the comments y'all can share some of yours, too.

The list:
-Smacking.
-Calling the president Mr/Ms *insert last name here* instead of President *insert last name here*. Or even just Mr/Ms President. Seriously, give them some respect.
-Text speak. Is it so hard to just type everything out?
-People not putting commas before or after someone's name/title. Like saying "Hey Bobby, what's up?" when it should be "Hey, Bobby. What's up?"
-People pestering me while I'm trying to kiss my girlfriend.
-When people put bible verses up as their facebook status.
-People trying to talk to me while I'm listening to my ipod.

I might add some more later. Now, what are yours?

love,

Alice

annnnnnnndddddddddddd..............

almost done counting down

keep counting down

count downnnnnnnnnnnnnnn

So you want to have an eating disorder.... (TRIGGER WARNING)

Okay, I keep seeing these stupid people post on websites wanting advice on how to be better at being anorexic and it's driving me freaking CRAZY. If they think anorexia nervosa is just a diet, something you can just quit, they're dead wrong.

Having an eating disorder is a nightmare. A nightmare that you're addicted to. A nightmare that you're in denial about. Let's start with how an eating disorder gets into your brain.

Most likely you'll be a teenage girl, already insecure about your body image, because you're a teenage girl, and really, aren't we all at least a little insecure? You'll be worrying about your body image, and someone will come along and say the wrong thing. Someone will call you fat. Someone will say something nasty about your weight. And bam, a seed of doubt is planted in the fertile ground of your insecurity. And in some, the seed never really grows, but in others, the seed begins to sprout. An eating disorder takes its roots inside you. Slowly your thoughts begin to change. You become more critical of yourself. You start working out a little more, start dieting. You look in the mirror and get frustrated because fat clings stubbornly to your body. You start obsessing over the best ways to reduce fat and lose weight. Somewhere you'll stumble along a suggestion to reduce caloric intake. Huh. What a brilliant idea. You cut out some calories in your diet. It's probably anywhere from 100-500 at first that you cut out. You exercise more. You become very conscious of the nutrition facts, and how many calories are in certain things. The numbers on the scale mean more and more and even as they go down that image in the mirror remains the same.

So it's started. You're not eating, the numbers keep getting lower and lower, but you seem to keep getting fatter and fatter. All you can think about is food, what meals you're going to skip, how many calories you've burned, how much more you can exercise. You can just feel the fat jiggle around on your body and it's disgusting. Wanna know how disgusting? Think of a rotting corpse, with maggots crawling around in it's eye sockets. Pretty nasty, yeah? Your own body is more revolting than that. If you eat at all you feel like a failure. Like you don't deserve to live. You hate yourself and everything about you and you will do anything to be thin.

Sounds like fun, right? And wait, you want to be a BETTER anorexic. So it's probably not just skipping meals. It's probably hiding it too. Eat some toast in the morning for show and then work yourself into the ground later on while no one is paying attention. Or you can use your friends as the basis for a lie. "Oh, no, I ate a huge break-fast at so-and-so's, my stomach is ready to burst!" Or maybe lie to your friends "No, I ate before class, and that was only a hour ago... I'm really too full to eat now." "I ate an early dinner with my family because my dad had a lot of work to do.", oh, and compare that one with "I'm going to so-and-so's later, so I'll eat dinner there". You've become quite the little liar! Most likely though, those lies aren't good enough. A step forward from that is actually putting the food in your mouth, chewing it up, and when no one is looking, spitting it out. But that's a form of bulimia. Not good enough for the anorexic looking to go above and beyond. Maybe getting up in the wee hours of the morning to work yourself to death, and then staying up until midnight to work-out some more isn't enough either. You want to be able to eat and fool people, and then throw it up. Unfortunately this isn't a pleasant process. You have to put the food in your mouth and HATE yourself, and then get up the courage to run and lock yourself in the bathroom and shove your fingers down your throat. You'll probably cry and be horribly ashamed of yourself (and maybe realize you have a problem). But you need to. Because you can't be fat, not when you're so close to perfection. So you force yourself to gag until you throw up. It'll take a while, and it'll hurt. You might make your throat bleed, and you'll be hoarse for hours, and your throat will feel like you have strep. Hey, you wanted to be a better anorexic. And I am a very good anorexic, so you're getting advice from the best.

Now. You know HOW to be anorexic. Let me list for you exactly what will happen.

-Your skin will turn a pretty shade of grey. Grey is the new tan, don't you know? Oh, and by the way, forget about tanning. Ain't gonna happen with your grey skin.
-Your hair is going to fall out. You get to look forward to cleaning off your brush every two days because you can't brush out your hair because the bristles are entangled in all of the hair that you've lost. And don't look down after you've take a shower. The sheer amount of hair on the shower floor might make you cry.
-You'll be cold. All the time. So cold that going outside in any temperature under 80 degrees will make you miserable.
-Your hands will shake, until it's nearly impossible to write anything.
-Bones really hurt when they poke into your skin. I mean, really badly. Try going to sleep when your hip bone is jabbing out, or sitting down when your ribs feel like they're about to rip a hole in your side.
-Did you think you were dizzy on the tea-cup ride at disney world? That is nothing compared to how the room will spin.
-You will be so weak and so tired you'll have to sit down after taking a shower because it took too much effort to stand for that long. Walking up a flight of stairs feels like running a marathon.
-You'll miss your period. You think this won't be that big of a deal, it's annoying anyway. But your body stops absorbing and using calcium after not menstruating for 8 months. That means if you break something, it won't heal.
-Your dentist will hate you. Can you say cavities?

Oh, oh, and if that wasn't enough, if you're really lucky you'll also get to experience:
-Your friend bursting into tears in the middle of rehearsal because your hair is thinning like crazy.
-Friends begging you to eat because they don't want you to die.
-The look of disappointment in people's eyes when they realize you were stupid enough to stop eating.
-Your friend telling you that she will never trust you again because you lied to her for so long about eating.
-People screaming at you to eat.
-Your teacher crying because she suspected you were anorexic and you told her it was true.
-Being threatened into eating

And wait, there's more!!!

-You'll be so wrapped up in your image of perfection, using numbers to determine your worth as a person, and staring into fun house mirrors you won't care until it's too late and you've lost or almost lost everything.

Counting down

Countdown!!

image credit to someone that's not me

countdown!

Again, image credit to Numerology.

Countdown....

Now I have The Final Countdown stuck in my head. And that's the only line to the song that I know. Anyway, counting down until the day when my lovely girlfriend will make her way to the clearly superior state of Texas ;). It's going to be fucking epic.

 

This image ("Number 7") credited to Numerology

Mine- Taylor Swift

You were in college working part time waiting tables
Left a small town, never looked back
I was a flight risk with a fear of falling
Wondering why we bother with love if it never lasts

I say can you believe it?
As we're lying on the couch
The moment I could see it
Yes, yes, I can see it now

Do you remember we were sitting there by the water?
You put your arm around me for the first time
You made a rebel of a careless man's careful daughter
You are the best thing that's ever been mine

Flash forward and we're taking on the world together
And there's a drawer of my things at your place
You learn my secrets and you figure out why I'm guarded
You say we'll never make my parents' mistakes

But we got bills to pay
We got nothing figured out
When it was hard to take
Yes, yes, this is what I thought about

Do you remember we were sitting there by the water?
You put your arm around me for the first time
You made a rebel of a careless man's careful daughter
You are the best thing that's ever been mine

Do you remember all the city lights on the water?
You saw me start to believe for the first time
You made a rebel of a careless man's careful daughter
You are the best thing that's ever been mine

And I remember that fight, 2:30 a.m.
As everything was slipping right out of our hands
I ran out crying and you followed me out into the street

Braced myself for the goodbye
'Cause that's all I've ever known
Then you took me by surprise
You said I'll never leave you alone

You said I remember how we felt sitting by the water
And every time I look at you, it's like the first time
I fell in love with a careless man's careful daughter
She is the best thing that's ever been mine

Hold on, make it last
Hold on, never turn back
You made a rebel of a careless man's careful daughter
You are the best thing that's ever been mine

Do you believe it?
We're gonna make it now
I can see it
I can see it now

This is what we do

Natalie: :) I love you.
gisellesylphide: I love you, too =)
gisellesylphide: only more ;)
Natalie: do not
gisellesylphide: do so
Natalie: do not
gisellesylphide: do so
Natalie: do not
gisellesylphide: do so
Natalie: do not
gisellesylphide: do so, dammit
Natalie: no
gisellesylphide: yes
Natalie: no
gisellesylphide: yes
Natalie: no
gisellesylphide: yes
Natalie: no
gisellesylphide: yes
Natalie: no dammit
gisellesylphide: yes. Now shut up
Natalie: no and no
gisellesylphide: Yes
Natalie: no
gisellesylphide: give in, dammit
Natalie: LMAO
Natalie: No
Natalie: :P
Natalie: I will not
gisellesylphide: :P
Natalie: :3 I will win
gisellesylphide: you will not win
gisellesylphide: because I love you the most
Natalie: do not
gisellesylphide: This argument is over
Natalie: duh
Natalie: because I've won
Natalie: :P
gisellesylphide: You did not win. Because I love you the most.
Natalie: FIIIINE
gisellesylphide: *kisses* good girl =)

...and here is a story of losing

In 2009 the world lost a very beautiful, bright life. That life's name was Lauren, and Lauren was my friend. She was everyone's friend. She was so nice and sweet and loved so much. She gave practical advice when you needed it, a scolding when you needed it, and a giant hug whenever you wanted it. She was beautiful. She was the mother of two very beautiful little girls, and a wife to a very nice man. She was talented and smart, but she was a stay-at-home mommy. She was amazing and it's killing me to have to talk about her in the past tense. Because in 2009 Lauren died. Her heart just stopped. She was only 27, but an eating disorder made her body feel very old and tired. In 2009 an eating disorder stole Lauren. It took her away and there's no getting her back. And god does it hurt everyone who loved her. Years later people send her messages she'll never get telling her how much we love her, and miss her, and hope that she is in a place as beautiful as she is. And that she's happy. That her afterlife is peaceful without ED or stress or sadness. That she knows that she is beautiful and she's just being happy.

It hurts to be without her, and knowing there will be no more reassurances and advice and hugs. Sometimes I still curl up and cry because I miss her, and you know what? That's okay. There's your lesson: it's okay to grieve. Don't be ashamed of crying because you miss someone, because everyone misses someone, and everyone's cried. It's okay to miss them. You just have to make sure your life doesn't end with theirs.

love,

Alice

Dumbass warning labels

As you already know from my constant whining, it is summer and I am bored out of my mind. So... I found another stupid thing to amuse myself with today, and that stupid thing was assembling a list of the most dumbass (and slightly disturbing) warning labels. With snarky commentary of course. Lesson: sarcasm is fun.

On a box of Poptarts- "After heating, contents will be hot." (Damn, you mean that won't cool them off?)
On a hairdryer- "do not use in shower" and "do not use while sleeping" (what? People don't like being electrocuted?)
On a box of sleeping pills- "warning! May cause sleepiness." (...there's really nothing I can say for this)
On a knife- "warning, do not insert into genital." (that hurts to think about)
On an Aim-n-Flame fireplace lighter- "do not use near fire, flame, or sparks" (but, but, but I need it to light the fire)
On a bottle of Hydrochloric acid- "Caution: not for use in aiding digestion" (That would totally help with digestion. Everything would go right through you. Literally.)
On a tag for a Superman cape- "Warning: cape does not enable user to fly" (Then I want my money back!)
On a Battery- "Caution: do not improperly charge or dispose of in fire, battery may explore or leak" (where will it explore)
On a label on a curling iron- "for external use only"and "warning: this product can burn eyes" (umm... I don't even want to know where else you'd be putting that curling iron)
On a wheelbarrow wheel- "not intended for highway use" (dammit.)
On a package of Chinese lanterns- "this product for indoor or outdoor use only" (as opposed to what? Outer space?)
On a bag of grapes- "Please store in the cold section of the refridgerator" (Not the hot section of course)
On a tube of deodorant- "do not use intimately" (no matter how lonely you are)
On another lighter- "do not light in face" and "do not expose to flame" (unless you want to go all Two Faced on the world)
On a box of dice- "not for human consumption" (but your dogs can totally eat them)
On a package of peanuts- "warning: may contain nuts" (well I should hope so.)
On a box of bottle rockets- "do not put in mouth" (Do not practice fellatio on)
On a box of fruit roll-ups- "Remove plastic before eating" (.......)
On a TV remote control- "Not dishwasher safe" (but then how do I wash it?)
On a wristwatch- "warning! This is not underwear! Do not attempt to put in pants" (this one just speaks for itself)
On a car commercial- "Always drive on roads, not on people" (this is not GTA, people!)
On a washing machine- "Do not put any person in this washer" (can I put my cat in?)
On a package of screwdrivers- "6PCS Precision screwdriver set not to be inserted into penis" (I'm not a guy, but that sounds very painful even to me)
On an ipod shuffle- "Do not eat ipod shuffle" (but I'm so hungry!)
On a bottle of dog pills- "Use care when operating a car" and "alcohol may intensify this effect" (why is my dog drinking and driving? Bailey! What have you been up to?)
On a chainsaw- "do not hold the wrong end of a chainsaw" (if you do, you'll win a Darwin award.)
On an oven- "all ranges can tip if you or your child stand, sit, or lean on an open door" (please don't put your children in the oven)

If y'all think of anymore, comment or email me and tell me because maybe I'll make a sequel to this list.

Love,

Alice

Compiled with the assistance of:
http://www.oddee.com/item_88437.aspx
http://www.rinkworks.com/said/warnings.shtml
and Josilynn. Like always.

in which I discuss my weirdass dreams

Okay, so just so you know, 98% of my dreams are really fucking weird and make no sense whatsoever. I feel this is unfair, considering the fact that my girlfriend's dreams make sense a majority of the time, as well with almost everyone I know (save Aerial). Sometimes my dreams are good weird, sometimes they are nightmare-ish weird. If you doubt that someone's dreams can be really fucking weird all the time, I am here to prove you wrong. If you are bored out of your mind, I am here to entertain you with queerness. (and dammit I am using that word with its original meaning. If you don't know it, look it up.) Note that not all of these happened in the same night.

Dream #1
Mash up with Harry Potter and Power Rangers, where we had to journey under a volcano on the edge of Hogwarts' grounds. Once we arrived at the volcano, we observed people jumping in at the top and coming back out as flowers.

Dream #2
I am at a water park with an elephant and all of my cousins, and we are hopelessly lost. The elephant ditches us to go on a water slide. I am then separated from my cousins and wander around to a swing set where I meet Amy Lee. We have a long conversation before she abruptly jumps up and says "Oh shit, I have to get a pen!" I return to the water park and watch the elephant try to squeeze into a tube.

Dream #3
So there were these demon socks and I was trying to get them to behave, because they were tormenting the non-demon socks... and then my girlfriend calls me and asks me if I'm going to Hana Pestle's show and I was like, no, I have to deal with these demon socks. And so then I realize the lawyer demon socks were trying to con some non-demon socks out of their neighborhood and while I'm trying to sort that out Hana Pestle calls and asks if I'm coming to see her play, and I had to say, no, I was very sorry, and I wanted to see her but I couldn't go. She asked why and I told her about the demon socks and she was like, "wow, that sucks. bye." And I was left to deal with the demon socks all by myself, and had to go into hiding with some of the non-demon socks to save them from the demon socks.

Dream #4
Some bizarre mix of Evanescence and Spongebob that took place on a rocket ship.

Dream #5
I was hanging out with the guys of Evanescence, past and present. Okay, well, some of them. Not all. I believe it was John, Terry, Ben, and Tim. Weird grouping, right? But it made perfect sense in the dream. I don't know why I was hanging out with them, or what was going on, but it was epically awesome.

And now you know how weird dreams can get. Maybe I'll post some other ones sometime.

Love, 

Alice

in which I have nothing important to say

So, having nothing important to say is an overstatement. In fact, I have absolutely nothing to say. I added classes to my fall schedule, I'm freaking out over my placement audition in August, and.... that's about it. What a waste of a blog entry.

Lesson: don't waste virtual space.

love,

(a very bored) Alice

1000 days

Today marks 1000 days since the last time I purged. That's right, 1000 fucking days, bitches. Ahem. 1,000 days is a lot of days, in case you didn't know. It seems especially long when you consider the idea I didn't think I could go anymore than 10 days without throwing up. But 10 days turned to 20 and 20 days turned to 50, and 50 days turned to 100, and then somehow 100 turned into 365 and I had made it an entire year. Once you get to a year, you get that much more determined to not fuck it up. Seriously, one year without purging only to fall flat on my face again would probably have led to a full fledged relapse. But, aha, then it became 2 years without purging and my determination grew, because that would make me feel even worse falling down after two years than it would have after one.

Today is 1000 days and this September will mark three years, all I have to say is: holy fucking shit

love,

Alice

Recovery Playlist

Hope For The Hopeless- A Fine Frenzy
Dream On- Aerosmith
Change- Carrie Underwood
Everybody's Fool- Evanescence
All That I'm Living For- Evanescence
Listen To The Rain- Evanescence
Lies- Evanescence
Lies (Remake)- Evanescence
The Only One- Evanescence
Where Will You Go (EP)- Evanescence
Where Will You Go- Evanescence
Seasons Of Love- RENT
Seasons Of Love B- RENT
Finale B- RENT
Love Heals- RENT
Gravity- Sara Bareilles
King of Anything- Sara Bareilles
Uncharted- Sara Bareilles
Let the Rain- Sara Bareilles
One Girl Revolution- Superchick
Stand in the Rain- Superchick
Beauty From Pain-  Superchick
Change- Taylor Swift
Long Live- Taylor Swift
Stay Beautiful- Taylor Swift
Circle of Life- Lion King
Stand My Ground- Within Temptation
Defying Gravity- Wicked
Keep Holding On- Glee Cast
True Colors- Glee Cast
Smile- Glee Cast
These Two Hands (live and EP)- Hana Pestle
Rain- Hana Pestle
Never Learned To Lie- Hana Pestle
Wheel In The Sky- Journey
Firework- Katy Perry
Pearl- Katy Perry
Addicted- Kelly Clarkson
Breakaway- Kelly Clarkson
Hello World- Lady Antebellum
Born This Way- Lady Gaga
The Edge Of Glory- Lady Gaga
I Have A Dream- Amanda Seyfried
Virginia Bluebell- Miranda Lambert
Kerosene- Miranda Lambert
Stronger- Britney Spears
Country Strong- Gwyneth Paltrow
Bring On The Rain- Jo Dee Messina
It's Only Life- Kate Voegele
Rise Above This- Seether
Dear Friend- Staci Orrico
Never Too Late- Three Days Grace
Life Support- RENT
Will I- RENT

Dear ED

Dear ED,

I would like to start off by letting you know that you would make me very happy if you jumped off a cliff and died. I would also like to let you know, fuck you for having me so damn twisted into you that I don't know what I would do if you suddenly disappeared from my life. How did you do that? How did you sneak into my brain like that? How did you make yourself a part of me? Because you have.You're a part of me and you always will be, but that doesn't mean that I'm not going to fight you every single day with everything I have. I am. I'm not going to give into you and this relapse ends now. You aren't going to rule my world anymore, I'm not going to sit back and watch you take over me like you've done so many times before. Tell me how fat and worthless I am all you want, I might agree now but that doesn't mean I'm going to let you take my life away from me. That's all you want, you're not my friend. You tell me you are, and that you're never going to leave me even when the rest of the world will but that's not true. You're not my friend and you never were. The only thing you've "helped me" do is destroy myself and I'm done. You want my life, well you can't fucking have it. You can't have it. You took Lauren's life away from her. You took a mother from her children, a wife from her husband, a sister from her sister, a daughter from her mother, and a friend from the people that love her. You took her away and that was when I knew you weren't my friend. I hate you. I hate you for taking her away. I hate you for telling me to hate myself. I hate you for stealing so many parts of my life away. I hate you for making me feel worthless. I hate you for making Emily your ally. I hate you for making my friends cry. I hate you I hate you I hate you!!! Fuck off and never come fucking back. We're done. You can scream all you want but I'm not listening. I'm listening to the people who love me instead.

</3,
Alice

and....

Alice vs. ED: Round __

if you tell yourself it's a bad idea, it's probably a bad idea

Seriously. That's your whole lesson: follow your intuition. If the little voice inside your head says this is a really bad idea, it's most likely a really bad idea and you shouldn't do it.

Secondly, can someone give me a lesson in deleting blog posts?

love,

Alice

hmmm.... someone see anything wrong with this?

To show you how much of a "perfect boyfriend" Edward Cullen is:

You may be in an abusive relationship if he or she:

Is jealous or possessive toward you.

Tries to control you by being very bossy or demanding.

Tries to isolate you by demanding you cut off social contacts and friendships.

Is violent and / or loses his or her temper quickly.

Pressures you sexually, demands sexual activities you are not comfortable with.

Abuses drugs or alcohol.

Claims you are responsible for his or her emotional state. (This is a core diagnostic criteria for Codependency.)

Blames you when he or she mistreats you.

Has a history of bad relationships.

Your family and friends have warned you about the person or told you that they are concerned for your safety or emotional well being.

You frequently worry about how he or she will react to things you say or do.

Makes "jokes" that shame, humiliate, demean or embarrass you, whether privately or around family and friends.

Your partner grew up witnessing an abusive parental relationship, and/or was abused as a child.

Your partner "rages" when they feel hurt, shame, fear or loss of control.

	You leave and then return to your partner repeatedly, against the advice of your friends, family and loved ones.
	You have trouble ending the relationship, even though you know inside it's the right thing to do.

Does the person you love...

• constantly keep track of your time?

• act jealous and possessive?

• accuse you of being unfaithful or flirting?

• discourage your relationships with friends and family?

• prevent or discourage you from working, interacting with friends or attending school?

• constantly criticize or belittle you?

• control all finances and force you to account for what you spend? (Reasonable cooperative budgeting excepted.)

• humiliate you in front of others? (Including "jokes" at your expense.)

• destroy or take your personal property or sentimental items?

• have affairs?

• threaten to hurt you, your children or pets? Threaten to use a weapon?

• push, hit, slap, punch, kick, or bite you or your children?

• force you to have sex against your will, or demand sexual acts you are uncomfortable with?

in which I unapologize

If you do not listen to Carrie Underwood, you probably have no idea what unapologizing is: it's simply taking back an apology, from when you were not really sorry. There are a shit-ton of several people that I would like to unapologize to.

-Sabrina, after apologizing for so many things that I wasn't actually sorry for that I cannot possibly recall or blog here. One example, I really am not sorry for telling you not to touch me. Personal space, ever heard of it?

-Reagan, I actually am not sorry for exploding with built up tension, I'm really not sorry for keeping you in the dark about my anorexia. So there.

-Ryan, you fucking psycho, I'm not sorry for telling you to never speak or come near to me again. Because if this happens again I will get a restraining order.

-My dad, when I told him I was sorry for keeping in contact with Indigo. I loved her, I wasn't sorry in the slightest.

-My entire biological family on my bio-dad's side. Really, let me alone.

-My family when I barely restrained cussing them all out after not going to Sam's wedding; now I wish I had. Also, so not sorry for keeping you in the dark about 90% of my life.

-Both Hodges and Foster.

-Pretty much everyone I've done a group project with

-everyone I've ever apologized to for how I truly felt. That's what I felt, and I'm not sorry I felt it.

Thus, I take back all my apologies to all of you listed. I'm not sorry for publicly blogging this either. If you didn't want everyone to know about the things you did, you should have never done them in the first place. When Rose comes out, this will all come out and I certainly will not be sorry for that.

love (to my actual friends),

Alice

another day, another doctor's appointment

I spend far too much time seeing doctors: general physicians, physician aids, chiropractors, neurologists, psychiatrists, orthopedic doctors, pain management doctors....just far too many doctors. And it's not like I can ever quit seeing these doctors, I have lifetime issues, things that are never going to go away. That sounds scary but I've accepted it; nothing I have has a cure. I mean, sometimes I have minor breakdowns and cry about how it's not fair (which it really is not), but I know that doesn't do me any good.

That... is pretty much what Rose is about. Saying that it's not fair and pushing through it anyways; fighting with everything I have. As a good friend of mine one said, you have three options in life: give up, give in, or give it your all. So what are you going to do?

love,

Alice

in which I actually teach you something important

Tornado Safety and How It Applies to You

Okay, so I know I rarely touch on anything important, but I became aware today that some people truly do not know what to do in case of a tornado. While growing up in Texas, preparing for tornadoes was something I would subconsciously do every time a storm rolled in, so I thought everyone did that too; I was wrong. So I'm going to take it upon myself to teach you what to do in case of a tornado. 

1. Pick a safe place to hide. A bathroom or a closet is preferable, some place where you are surrounded by four walls, no windows (as far away from windows in other rooms as possible), with supports going on behind the walls. By supports, I mean things like having a laundry room on one side and a bathroom on your other side. Someplace sturdy. OR you could have a basement or a tornado shelter or cellar to hide in. Go there. Best option.

2. Choose a place to go in case of being separated from your family or friends post-storm. This might sound silly thinking you'd all be hiding in the same place, so how would you lose each other? People, you can get carried away by a tornado. My great-grandmother was, and miraculously lived to tell the story. In the event of that, or your house collapsing on you, pick a place to go. (NOTE: This is different than your place to hide)

3. What you need to bring into your safe place with you (things that can be put in a bag are indicated by being put in purple:

-pets and their food (obviously)

-important documents (birth certificates, driver's licenses, passports, social security cards, bank information etc.)

-your wallet

-blankets and pillows (you don't know how long you'll be in there)

-a good supply of water

-a good amount of food

-a can opener in case you bring in cans

-your purse

-any laptops you have and their chargers

-a portable radio if you have one

-your cell phone and its charger

-any other electronics you have and their chargers

-a flashlight and candles and matches

-objects of great personal value

that seems like a lot but it's mostly very small things that can be put in a bag, as indicated above. 

4. Keep on top  of the weather, have the news on or a radio on, and if the sirens start, book it to your safe room.

5. Better safe than sorry. Even if you feel like it's silly to go hide in a closet because the tornado is across town, hide in the closet. Storms move very quickly and tornadoes are often unpredictable, and most of the time are not officially confirmed until after they're gone. Better safe than sorry. 

love,

Alice

N.O.T.H.I.N.G.

Nothing
rien
nichts
τίποτα
niente
何も
nada
ничего
没什么
沒什麼
아무것도

in which I cannot think of a good title

Seriously, I cannot. It just wasn't working out in my head. Anyway. Today will be interesting, considering the fact that I may get an answer to what the hell is wrong with my shoulder this afternoon. Everybody cross your fingers, because I'm going to pitch a fit if I have to get another MRI. Or if they say I need another surgery, because, NO. That ruined my summer the first time around and took me out of dance for the summer and fall semester. I refuse to have surgery, absolutely refuse... But I'm kind of getting ahead of myself, they might not even know what's wrong. Blech.

I have been writing now, working on RON when I should probably be working on Rose. Inspiration isn't coming on Rose, however, so I need to work on something else, RON just happens to be that something else. It makes me wish I had stayed in touch with Jacquie, because she was a varsity cheerleader and could help me out with all of this cheerleading stuff. I know absolutely nothing about cheerleaders, so I'm having to do some intense research while I'm writing, which is a little irksome. I like already knowing everything about the characters and what they do before I start writing, but that just isn't happening this time around. Also, I hate changing points of view, but that's what I'm doing. It makes each chapter extra long because it has two parts, and I'm slightly concerned as to how long RON is going to end up being. Definitely over twice the size of Lovely, which I think more readers will like because I've got a lot of emails and reviews saying Lovely was far too short. (jsyk, I agree. But that's all that was coming from the storyline. writing time-traps gets confusing).

The gym is actually becoming a great place for inspiration, now to figure out how to write while on the elliptical. ;P

Love,

Alice

Just a dream...

I seriously typed that and now have about fifty songs that involve dreams stuck in my head. What the hell, I need to listen to different songs. Like for seriously. ANYWAY.

I know we said that we wouldn't actually have kids. There are plenty out there who need loving mommas and mommies. Neither of us have good genes, and neither of us wanted to pass them onto anyone. No cursing an infant with schizophrenia or epilepsy or depression or a tendency towards eating disorders.... so I don't know why I was having this dream, and even throughout the dream my concious mind was saying "but we didn't plan this. you both said that would be a bad idea." But it was such a good dream. And good dreams deserve to be written out fully.

It was a pretty morning, with the sun streaming through the curtains and warming up the room. I had been laying awake for a while but I simply did not have the willpower to pull myself out of bed. Besides, it was a rare moment when everything was so quiet in the house; with so many animals it was almost impossible to have peace and quiet. I didn't know you were awake until I felt you turn on your side to face me.

"Any plans on getting up soon?" you asked me, stretching out and grabbing my hand.

"Nope."

"It's like... 10:00, what happened to the early bird?"

"She decided that she wasn't getting her lazy ass out of bed this morning," I said, sticking my tongue out at you.

You laughed at me but I knew you had no desire to get out of bed either because you just rolled over and snuggled more into the covers. Laziness excusing more laziness; just another morning in the Liddelle-Weatere household (or the Weatere-Liddelle household, depending on the day; we'd yet to be able to pick one).

I was just starting to drift off again when I felt your hand making circles on my stomach. It made me smile, and I turned to look at you. I must have been more out of it than I thought because you had managed to turn on your side and prop yourself up on your elbow without me feeling the bed move. I slid my hand back into yours and looked at my stomach, smiling even more at the tiny baby bump that was just beginning to show.

"I love you," I whispered, both to you and the little baby just beginning to form.

---and then end dream because I woke up and started crying. Guess my mind was playing through what will never be. But I'm okay with that.

Love,

Alice

hello, summer

Well, not summer. Summer vacation. But, still. I should be happier, but I  miss my roommate. She was epically awesome and we're not going to get to room together next year. =( And, you know, there's that worry about being put on probation for AHS if I end up getting a C in my history class... and the fact that my girlfriend's mom is a bitch not a nice person all the time. 

Still... summer. No homework, lots of writing, plenty of sun. Maybe I'll be more excited tomorrow. 

Love,

Alice

PS check out the website. Currently reshaping it so it sucks less. ;P.

Some kind of wonderful

She's quite amazing you know. You shouldn't have to ask who, you should already know. She's wonderful. The first person in my life I've ever told all my secrets to, when I never thought I would tell anyone. I thought I would take it to my grave and it would die there with me, but I told her. I trust her, like I've never trusted anyone. I talk to her and I just know, I know I'm safe and that she loves me and that if we have each other everything's going to work out in the end. I know if I fall that she'll be there to catch me, and for the first time I'm not terrified of abandonment. 

What's more amazing is having her trust me. That she knows that if she falls I will catch her, that I'm not going anywhere. That she knows I love her, that we'll always work it out. She trusted me with her secrets, and it was impossible not to cry with her when she finally opened up. Sometimes she gets scared, and that's okay, because if I had gone through what she did I wouldn't have been able to make it so long, I would be scared all the time. She's so incredibly strong, even if she doesn't believe it. And beautiful, on the outside and the inside. But she doesn't believe that yet.

She tries to make me see that I'm beautiful, but I don't. I just can't. I look in the mirror and despise what I see, and sometimes I just want to cover them all up so I don't have to see myself. I hate the girl looking back at me. I hate the numbers on the scale and I hate the the numbers that immediately pop up in my head anytime I see food. Sometimes I can't make myself eat, and I hate that, and I hate it when I can make myself eat too. But she tells me I'm beautiful. I... I want to believe her. I really do, I try to make myself but all I do is cry. I hate myself for not being able to believe her, which is probably counterproductive. But she still tries. And I love her all the more for it.

Love,

Alice

I Feel Pretty / Unpretty

I wish I could tie you up in my shoes make you feel unpretty too
I was told I was beautiful but what does that mean to you
Look into the mirror who’s inside there, the one with the long hair
Same old me again today heeaay

My outsides are cool my insides are blue
Everytime I think I'm through it’s because of you
I’ve tried different ways but it’s all the same
At the end of the day I have myself to blame
I’m just tripping

Chorus
You can buy your hair if it won’t grow
You can fix your nose if he says so
You can buy all the make-up that mac can make
But if you can’t look inside you find out who am I to
Be in a position to make me feel so damn unpretty
I feel pretty, oh so pretty
I feel pretty and witty and bright

Never insecure until I met you now I’m being stupid
I used to be so cute to me just a little bit skinny
Why do I look to all these things to keep you happy
Maybe get rid of you and then I’ll get back to me heeey

My outsides look cool my insides are blue
Everytime I think I’m through it’s because of you
I’ve tried different ways but it’s all the same
At the end of the day I have myself to blame
Keep on tripping

Chorys
You can buy your hair if it won’t grow
You can fix your nose if he says so
You can buy all the make-up that mac can make
But if, you can’t look inside you
Find out who am I to
Be in a position to make me feel so damn unpretty
I feel pretty, oh so pretty
I feel pretty and witty and bright
And I pity, any girl who isn't me tonight

Oh oh oh-oh ... tonight
(repeat)

(I feel pretty)
You can buy your hair if it won’t grow
(Oh so pretty)
You can fix your nose if he says so
(I feel pretty and witty and bright)
You can buy all the make-up that mac can make
But if you can’t look inside you
Find out who am I to
Be in a position to make me feel so damn unpretty
I feel pretty but unpretty

reviews, reviews, reviews

First off, I would like to thank everyone who has read Lovely and rated or reviewed it. The fact that took the time makes me smile. =) Secondly, to the reviewer on itunes who called me the Rebecca Black of publishing, thank you for making me laugh. Seriously, I did nearly die laughing. You know when you don't like a book you can stop reading, right? I am honestly saying, it is okay if you don't like my writing, not everyone (or even a majority) in the world will. You can go read something you do like, you're not obligated to finish. <3<3<3

And now for the serious (pfft) part of this blog... guys, I'm not Alice Hawkings. While we have similarities that an author and their character will inevitably have, we're not the same person. Alice Hawkings doesn't exist, she is a book character. Lovely is a work of fiction.

Love,

Alice (but not that Alice!)

Incredibly, Oddly Funny Things People Say I

And I now introduce a new segment on this blog called Incredibly, Oddly Funny Things People Say. Which is the very strange and very funny things that can be overheard on campus. And also some mentions of really weird things like people running around campus in a tomato costume. 

-"I drink like 10 cups of coffee a day, and a five-hour energy drink, and a caffeine pill or two, and soda. Yeah, I'm probably going to need a kidney transplant but I have sibling so it'll be okay."

-"A slut is someone who sleeps with everyone, a dyke is someone who sleeps with everyone but you."

-"Yes, sometimes I fantasize about killing someone and turning into a bird, too."

-"You are a short five-five and I am a tall five-two"

-"Fear of dykes? No, not quite."

-(repeatedly)"No, Alice and Abby, you cannot answer questions on things we already went over in abnormal psych"

Annnnnnnnd, that's all I have for now. More funny things have been said around campus but I always forget if I don't mark them down for future amusement.

Love,

Alice

Dammit (trigger warning)

WARNING: Content make be triggering, I've made it so you have to highlight to see the most triggering parts, but still read with caution. If you're shaky in recovery, please don't push yourself with this. 

Argh. I was looking up quotes from people who've had an eating disorder about recovery for my semester project... and guess what I ran into. It was really stupid to not think that through. Proana is bullshit. But bullshit that tries to suck you back in. Thanks, idiots who promote eating disorders to try and drag the entire world down with you, I really appreciated you fucking up my recovery even more. That worsening my relapse you were kind enough to assist me with was so helpful. The thoughts are already there... getting them reinforced is the worst. And in case you are intelligent enough never to run into one of these websites (or to look them up...), they're communities of people sharing tips on how to get themselves sicker. Full of positive comments like nothing tastes as good as thin feels sand then the typical 'thin is perfect' or 'bones are beautiful'. A new one was 'the mirror hurts more than starving' and 'the problem lies right under your nose, stop shoveling food in, fastass.' And then there are your links to thinspiration (pictures of sickeningly thin people that you should model yourself after), which will always include pictures of Kate Moss.

It's disturbing, but such an easy thing to be sucked back into if you're already struggling. I can remember bawling my eyes out and admitting to Nicole that I was looking back into last year (which I managed to stop very quickly, thank god). It's... I don't know any other way to describe it but sick.

love,

Alice

Take Back The Night

So... today was long. Woke up late, pilates once more kicked my ass via teaser one (I always end up toppling over at the end), psych of women dragged on forever and a day, studied, met with my mentor group, took a test, worked on my project, worked on my other project (got paint on my arms), and then went to Take Back The Night. Project REV was hosting it, and it was pretty much a movement to do exactly what it sounds like in the name, taking back the night. They gave us water bottles and t-shirts (that they had ulterior motives for) and we listened to a band that sucked except for the lead guitarist and seriously needed a new songwriter, and then sat for the speeches. We got the info again for student health services, the counseling center, and then the information for groups for helping women out of domestic violence situation, supporting them after sexual assault and with all the legalities involved in abuse, assault, and stalking. There were a few pretty good speeches, the first one started with the narrative of getting out of your car at night, and being pretty damned scared, and having to all but run to your front door, because we are honestly afraid of the night. People are afraid of what comes in the night. And we shouldn't have to be. That's what the march was about. We went around the Hubbard oval and marched and chanted for taking back the night, and ending violence. (like yes means yes/no means no/whatever we wear/wherever we go and stop the silence/stop the hate/no more violence/no more rape)It was pretty inspiring...

and tiring. I have no voice and everything hurts, turns out campus is big, and my roommate and I snuck away after the march. I truly feel for the people who are still down there. Long day, long day, long day.

Love,

Alice

PS: Ulterior motive for the water bottle was to be able to chant longer without getting a sore throat, ulterior motive for shirt is that it's teal and teal is the color for sexual assault awareness month, which, conveniently, is April.

More than a little hurt

No, mom, you wouldn't tell people if you heard Voices. You really would not. You cannot tell me that I was some kind of malicious liar, or a weakling, to not tell you for three years that I heard them. YOU DON'T FUCKING KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE!!!!!! And then "you promised me when you were 14 we'd never be here, and I'm mad that you broke that promise." I'm so sorry that I developed schizoaffective disorder, how inconsiderate of me. And of course, our broken relationship is completely my fault and you're perfectly innocent, because screaming at someone until they burst into tears hundreds of fucking times does not break that. I have tried so fucking hard to be perfect for you, to give you the perfect daughter. I'm sorry that just wasn't good enough for you.

Alice

Sooooooooooooooooooooooooo..............

Anyone interested it helping me out on the fanpage on the loverly facebook? I need a few more likes on the page to be allowed to give it it's own URL, and thus be able to more easily promote Lovely. Because I may or may not have been falling off the promotion wagon. But I'll get back up on and hopefully will increase the amount of people who read Lovely. =)

And I'm totally having an awesome week now because Evanescence is going into the studio to record the third album. YAY! /random babbling.

Um, anyway, search Allison Liddelle on facebook and click 'like' and you'll be helping in the fight for a kickass url.

Love,

Alice

Of interesting ways to begin the day

My psychology class was an interesting experience this morning. We were going through the chapter of mood disorders, which also had a section about suicide tacked onto the end. And a section of self-injury tacked onto the end of that. I was seriously hoping the earth would open up beneath me so that I could hide like a scared little girl and not deal with this. Unfortunately, the earth denied my request. I told myself I was not going to comment on anything in this lecture, BUT, me being me, I ended up talking anyway. Another girl asked why someone would do that and I answered. And once I did I turned away and didn't say another word. I just cried  throughout the rest of the class. Silent crying, mind you. I made eye contact with my professor once, but she knew why I was crying, considering the fact she just read the gender autobiography I had to turn in for Psychology of Women. No one said anything, class ended, I went to fix my make-up in the bathroom (liquid eyeliner bleeds like no other...), and that was it. Interesting morning.

Love,

Alice

"No, Honey, you can't eat that either"

Horse bites hurt. Just in case you didn't know.

Love,

Alice

"You can't eat that, honey. It's a rope."

Hiho (or Hilo, as we also enjoy calling him) was interesting to work with this morning. This season he's actually working! For those who have no clue who I'm talking about, Hiho is one of the many horses at the equine therapy center where I volunteer. He retired from working when he was diagnosed with cancer, so any experience had with him before now was just giving him TLC. However, he's doing amazing, so he got all super groomed and pretty and started working again. Anyway. I was his handler/leader this morning, and he was so fidgety! He tried to eat the reins when he was being tacked and then tried to gallop when he was being warmed up. At random intervals he would try to eat the lead rope, and if he got a good grip on it, refused to let go. He'd try to make sharp turns into walls during class and every time we had to stop he shoved his nose into my chest like "get a move on!" It was pretty funny. 

And then, once he got to go back to pasture, with his white coat still gleaming and beautiful, he immediately rolled around in the mud. What a horse. Gotta love him. =)

Love,

Alice

My balance is back =)

Not physical balance, that I still have trouble with. That whole coordination thing and I don't get along very well. We're working on that. Couple's therapy and the like. KA meetings... fun things like that.

Anyway, no, I mean my mental balance. Being able to talk to Lissy consistently puts my head back in the right place, instead of being lost and running into walls. Everything is much more defined, except my desire to study. Well, no... I've never had any desire to study. Just one of those things you gotta do to pass classes to graduate to go and take more classes to graduate and then go get a job. Life looks bright. :P

I have spring break next week, thank you Lord and Lady. I just have to make it until Friday and then I'm free... sleep, everyday! Huzzah! I mean, I'm still going to have to study for the tests after break, but at least I'll be able to sleep in almost every morning. I love sleep. It's my best friend. Besides N, and Aerial, and Lakshmi, and Jesse, of course. It's a.... four-way tie. But, nonetheless, huzzah!

Why don't people use the word huzzah anymore? More people should. That's your surviving wonderland tip for the week: use huzzah as often as possible so that one day you can feel great that you brought the word back into everyday use.

Love,

Alice

Are you f*cking kidding me?

Am I the only person who can say that we had a shooter on campus today (well, yesterday), and that it's giving everyone on campus, including me, a nervous breakdown and have no one give a damn? The person who stubbed their toe is more important than a life or death situation? Are you fucking kidding me? Having no one care is almost worse than having a mad man with a rifle roaming campus. Seriously, world, are you fucking kidding me?

Alice

I swear...

I have not been slacking off writing-wise. It's just a little slow going with all of the schoolwork I have to do (never take 17 hours). Still working diligently on Rose and Dance (more info on those two the closer I get to being done) and if you check my site I have at least one new poem up a week. That's enough to tide you over, right? Right? 

Okay, so fine, it's probably not so I must point you to Lissy's website, where you can find all sorts of writing and art (linkage on the side of this page). I promise it rocks. And to http://www.honeyrockdawn.com, because Shreve also rocks.

Love,

Alice

I just love how hearing  everything I say is a waste of someone's time and that in general I'm just absolutely useless. Really makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside.

Alice

You know who you are

I see through you now;
Looking for an excuse to run,
Like the fucking coward you are
And always will be.
You're never gonna change.
Always a liar,
A cheater,
A coward,
Born to be a leaver...
You can play pretend all you want,
Until the day they see through you
And leave you like you were gonna to leave them:
Someone's gonna beat you to the punch.

</3,

Me

in which I mope about the fact that my gf's computer is broken

you would mope too. It sucks. Majorly. The internet is the easiest form of contact for us. Sometimes it's the only one because, unfortunately, we live one thousand miles apart. Which also sucks. I've been like, pouting for the past few days. I don't pout. I am not a pouting kind of person, what have you done to me, Lissy? I've never actually NEEDED someone before, at least, someone who isn't close family. But I need her. And distance and evil technology that breaks down at the wrong time I can't have her. =( 

See? I'm freaking pouting. What. The. Fuck.

Dear World,

Please make the south coast and the north.. well, it's not really a coast, but whatever, closer together. It would be really kind of sort of freaking awesome. Pretty please? 

Love (only if you grant this demand request),

Alice