Friday, April 29, 2011

Some kind of wonderful

She's quite amazing you know. You shouldn't have to ask who, you should already know. She's wonderful. The first person in my life I've ever told all my secrets to, when I never thought I would tell anyone. I thought I would take it to my grave and it would die there with me, but I told her. I trust her, like I've never trusted anyone. I talk to her and I just know, I know I'm safe and that she loves me and that if we have each other everything's going to work out in the end. I know if I fall that she'll be there to catch me, and for the first time I'm not terrified of abandonment. 

What's more amazing is having her trust me. That she knows that if she falls I will catch her, that I'm not going anywhere. That she knows I love her, that we'll always work it out. She trusted me with her secrets, and it was impossible not to cry with her when she finally opened up. Sometimes she gets scared, and that's okay, because if I had gone through what she did I wouldn't have been able to make it so long, I would be scared all the time. She's so incredibly strong, even if she doesn't believe it. And beautiful, on the outside and the inside. But she doesn't believe that yet.

She tries to make me see that I'm beautiful, but I don't. I just can't. I look in the mirror and despise what I see, and sometimes I just want to cover them all up so I don't have to see myself. I hate the girl looking back at me. I hate the numbers on the scale and I hate the the numbers that immediately pop up in my head anytime I see food. Sometimes I can't make myself eat, and I hate that, and I hate it when I can make myself eat too. But she tells me I'm beautiful. I... I want to believe her. I really do, I try to make myself but all I do is cry. I hate myself for not being able to believe her, which is probably counterproductive. But she still tries. And I love her all the more for it.

Love,
Alice

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

I Feel Pretty / Unpretty

I wish I could tie you up in my shoes make you feel unpretty too
I was told I was beautiful but what does that mean to you
Look into the mirror who’s inside there, the one with the long hair
Same old me again today heeaay

My outsides are cool my insides are blue
Everytime I think I'm through it’s because of you
I’ve tried different ways but it’s all the same
At the end of the day I have myself to blame
I’m just tripping

Chorus
You can buy your hair if it won’t grow
You can fix your nose if he says so
You can buy all the make-up that mac can make
But if you can’t look inside you find out who am I to
Be in a position to make me feel so damn unpretty
I feel pretty, oh so pretty
I feel pretty and witty and bright

Never insecure until I met you now I’m being stupid
I used to be so cute to me just a little bit skinny
Why do I look to all these things to keep you happy
Maybe get rid of you and then I’ll get back to me heeey

My outsides look cool my insides are blue
Everytime I think I’m through it’s because of you
I’ve tried different ways but it’s all the same
At the end of the day I have myself to blame
Keep on tripping

Chorys
You can buy your hair if it won’t grow
You can fix your nose if he says so
You can buy all the make-up that mac can make
But if, you can’t look inside you
Find out who am I to
Be in a position to make me feel so damn unpretty
I feel pretty, oh so pretty
I feel pretty and witty and bright
And I pity, any girl who isn't me tonight

Oh oh oh-oh ... tonight
(repeat)

(I feel pretty)
You can buy your hair if it won’t grow
(Oh so pretty)
You can fix your nose if he says so
(I feel pretty and witty and bright)
You can buy all the make-up that mac can make
But if you can’t look inside you
Find out who am I to
Be in a position to make me feel so damn unpretty
I feel pretty but unpretty

Friday, April 22, 2011

reviews, reviews, reviews

First off, I would like to thank everyone who has read Lovely and rated or reviewed it. The fact that took the time makes me smile. =) Secondly, to the reviewer on itunes who called me the Rebecca Black of publishing, thank you for making me laugh. Seriously, I did nearly die laughing. You know when you don't like a book you can stop reading, right? I am honestly saying, it is okay if you don't like my writing, not everyone (or even a majority) in the world will. You can go read something you do like, you're not obligated to finish. <3<3<3

And now for the serious (pfft) part of this blog... guys, I'm not Alice Hawkings. While we have similarities that an author and their character will inevitably have, we're not the same person. Alice Hawkings doesn't exist, she is a book character. Lovely is a work of fiction.

Love,
Alice (but not that Alice!)

Monday, April 18, 2011

Incredibly, Oddly Funny Things People Say I

And I now introduce a new segment on this blog called Incredibly, Oddly Funny Things People Say. Which is the very strange and very funny things that can be overheard on campus. And also some mentions of really weird things like people running around campus in a tomato costume. 

-"I drink like 10 cups of coffee a day, and a five-hour energy drink, and a caffeine pill or two, and soda. Yeah, I'm probably going to need a kidney transplant but I have sibling so it'll be okay."
-"A slut is someone who sleeps with everyone, a dyke is someone who sleeps with everyone but you."
-"Yes, sometimes I fantasize about killing someone and turning into a bird, too."
-"You are a short five-five and I am a tall five-two"
-"Fear of dykes? No, not quite."
-(repeatedly)"No, Alice and Abby, you cannot answer questions on things we already went over in abnormal psych"

Annnnnnnnd, that's all I have for now. More funny things have been said around campus but I always forget if I don't mark them down for future amusement.

Love,
Alice

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Dammit (trigger warning)

WARNING: Content make be triggering, I've made it so you have to highlight to see the most triggering parts, but still read with caution. If you're shaky in recovery, please don't push yourself with this. 

Argh. I was looking up quotes from people who've had an eating disorder about recovery for my semester project... and guess what I ran into. It was really stupid to not think that through. Proana is bullshit. But bullshit that tries to suck you back in. Thanks, idiots who promote eating disorders to try and drag the entire world down with you, I really appreciated you fucking up my recovery even more. That worsening my relapse you were kind enough to assist me with was so helpful. The thoughts are already there... getting them reinforced is the worst. And in case you are intelligent enough never to run into one of these websites (or to look them up...), they're communities of people sharing tips on how to get themselves sicker. Full of positive comments like nothing tastes as good as thin feels sand then the typical 'thin is perfect' or 'bones are beautiful'. A new one was 'the mirror hurts more than starving' and 'the problem lies right under your nose, stop shoveling food in, fastass.' And then there are your links to thinspiration (pictures of sickeningly thin people that you should model yourself after), which will always include pictures of Kate Moss.

It's disturbing, but such an easy thing to be sucked back into if you're already struggling. I can remember bawling my eyes out and admitting to Nicole that I was looking back into last year (which I managed to stop very quickly, thank god). It's... I don't know any other way to describe it but sick.

love,
Alice

Monday, April 11, 2011

Take Back The Night

So... today was long. Woke up late, pilates once more kicked my ass via teaser one (I always end up toppling over at the end), psych of women dragged on forever and a day, studied, met with my mentor group, took a test, worked on my project, worked on my other project (got paint on my arms), and then went to Take Back The Night. Project REV was hosting it, and it was pretty much a movement to do exactly what it sounds like in the name, taking back the night. They gave us water bottles and t-shirts (that they had ulterior motives for) and we listened to a band that sucked except for the lead guitarist and seriously needed a new songwriter, and then sat for the speeches. We got the info again for student health services, the counseling center, and then the information for groups for helping women out of domestic violence situation, supporting them after sexual assault and with all the legalities involved in abuse, assault, and stalking. There were a few pretty good speeches, the first one started with the narrative of getting out of your car at night, and being pretty damned scared, and having to all but run to your front door, because we are honestly afraid of the night. People are afraid of what comes in the night. And we shouldn't have to be. That's what the march was about. We went around the Hubbard oval and marched and chanted for taking back the night, and ending violence. (like yes means yes/no means no/whatever we wear/wherever we go and stop the silence/stop the hate/no more violence/no more rape)It was pretty inspiring...

and tiring. I have no voice and everything hurts, turns out campus is big, and my roommate and I snuck away after the march. I truly feel for the people who are still down there. Long day, long day, long day.

Love,
Alice
PS: Ulterior motive for the water bottle was to be able to chant longer without getting a sore throat, ulterior motive for shirt is that it's teal and teal is the color for sexual assault awareness month, which, conveniently, is April.

Saturday, April 9, 2011

More than a little hurt

No, mom, you wouldn't tell people if you heard Voices. You really would not. You cannot tell me that I was some kind of malicious liar, or a weakling, to not tell you for three years that I heard them. YOU DON'T FUCKING KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE!!!!!! And then "you promised me when you were 14 we'd never be here, and I'm mad that you broke that promise." I'm so sorry that I developed schizoaffective disorder, how inconsiderate of me. And of course, our broken relationship is completely my fault and you're perfectly innocent, because screaming at someone until they burst into tears hundreds of fucking times does not break that. I have tried so fucking hard to be perfect for you, to give you the perfect daughter. I'm sorry that just wasn't good enough for you.

Alice

Monday, April 4, 2011

Sooooooooooooooooooooooooo..............

Anyone interested it helping me out on the fanpage on the loverly facebook? I need a few more likes on the page to be allowed to give it it's own URL, and thus be able to more easily promote Lovely. Because I may or may not have been falling off the promotion wagon. But I'll get back up on and hopefully will increase the amount of people who read Lovely. =)

And I'm totally having an awesome week now because Evanescence is going into the studio to record the third album. YAY! /random babbling.

Um, anyway, search Allison Liddelle on facebook and click 'like' and you'll be helping in the fight for a kickass url.

Love,
Alice