*beats head against wall* it's been a really long time since I've had to force myself to keep distance from bathrooms. Since it felt like I just needed to be completely empty again. Since trying to come up with any excuse to myself and anyone else to go into that bathroom, half-hoping that if it's impulsive I won't be able to stop myself from purging. But now again I can feel it... to have to mentally coach myself through every single bite of food. I'm sitting here wanting to go cry but I can't trust myself to be alone. And fuck, all I want to do is cut, but that would mean being alone and that would risk purging which is one thing I can't fuck up. I cannot, I will not. FUCK. And I want to I hate myself because I want to, and I hate myself for not doing it. No matter what I do or don't do I hate myself. But that was the truth long before this idiot came along and triggered me. I have lovely red marks all over my arm from where I dug my nails in to make it go away but obviously said plan failed. And it's been 30 minutes and all chances of removing any calories via purging is gone. Too late for that. So why do I still want to?
Love (a frustrated and pissed off),
Alice
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