Some kind of wonderful

She's quite amazing you know. You shouldn't have to ask who, you should already know. She's wonderful. The first person in my life I've ever told all my secrets to, when I never thought I would tell anyone. I thought I would take it to my grave and it would die there with me, but I told her. I trust her, like I've never trusted anyone. I talk to her and I just know, I know I'm safe and that she loves me and that if we have each other everything's going to work out in the end. I know if I fall that she'll be there to catch me, and for the first time I'm not terrified of abandonment. 

What's more amazing is having her trust me. That she knows that if she falls I will catch her, that I'm not going anywhere. That she knows I love her, that we'll always work it out. She trusted me with her secrets, and it was impossible not to cry with her when she finally opened up. Sometimes she gets scared, and that's okay, because if I had gone through what she did I wouldn't have been able to make it so long, I would be scared all the time. She's so incredibly strong, even if she doesn't believe it. And beautiful, on the outside and the inside. But she doesn't believe that yet.

She tries to make me see that I'm beautiful, but I don't. I just can't. I look in the mirror and despise what I see, and sometimes I just want to cover them all up so I don't have to see myself. I hate the girl looking back at me. I hate the numbers on the scale and I hate the the numbers that immediately pop up in my head anytime I see food. Sometimes I can't make myself eat, and I hate that, and I hate it when I can make myself eat too. But she tells me I'm beautiful. I... I want to believe her. I really do, I try to make myself but all I do is cry. I hate myself for not being able to believe her, which is probably counterproductive. But she still tries. And I love her all the more for it.

Love,

Alice